Ashes to Ashes – CSI Goring Special Report with Will Smith

As millions of people face the prospect of days of chaos and closure at popular high street store Iceland, Crime Scene Analyst, Will Smith, has been drafted in to try and understand and explain the current phenomenon caused by the sudden and unexplained incineration of Kerry Katona, Jason Donovan and Coleen Nolan, and the resulting ash cloud apparently bringing misery to mums all over the country.

Crime Scene Analyst Will Smith - Professional

CSA Smith had this to say on the matter: “At this early stage, we cannot rule out external involvement from any parties, and I am particularly keen to talk to a Mr Tom Hedge – recent speculation has indicated that an attempt to influence local bowling conditions may have taken place, and he may be able to help us with our enquiries.

“We have information which leads us to believe he may have been involved in a similar scandal with IDC Jonny Russell, in which an artificial rain cloud was released at a recent Indoor League game, obviously affecting the conditions and the result of said match.”

Desperate attempts made by Upswinger to contact Mr Hedge Jnr have so far proved unsuccessful. Speaking at the family home, Mr Hedge Snr, 104, was dismissive of any speculation that his son may be involved, stating that “Tom may be a bit of a reckless f****r at times, but I would certainly never expect to find him on any high street in any non-descript town at any time, and certainly not in any minion infested store of which you speak. Now f**k off you f******s”

A Crispy Pancake Yesterday.

Smith continued by saying “I can assure you all our efforts are being concentrated on obtaining the whereabouts of Mr Hedge, and contingency plans are being made to feed the masses as Iceland’s doors remain firmly shut.” Lidl and Aldi stores have reported a surge in demand as people take to the streets, desperate for Findus Crispy Pancakes and Black Forest Gateaux.

Smith has been working closely with Icelandic colleague Ms Bjork Goumonsdottir to try and contain any disaster, but communication has proven difficult. A statement by Ms Goumonsdottir was sadly only audible to canines.

Elsewhere, whilst conditions continue to deteriorate over the UK and airports remain at a standstill as the airspace remains contaminated, the large bulk of which has been attributed to Iceland’s Katona, desperate attempts continue to repatriate GCC’s Jonny Westcar, currently stranded in Geneva en route from Dubai, following the ICC Cricket First convention.


One response to this post.

  1. Posted by Benson Privet on April 20, 2010 at 6:45 pm

    I heard they nicknamed CBA Smithers “Cracker” after a big night at Masooms led to his loo seat taking early retirement . You ain’t seen me, roight?


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