To The Real Men of GCC – try this…
Select the text below and copy and paste it into an email (or Telex for Dunc/Jim) – or better still write it out on the back of a £250 Jimmy Choo gift voucher. Send it on to your beautiful wives/girlfriends and your mistresses too. And boyfriends for the other three of us that “are”.
(I am actually going to do this and publish the reply – let me know how you get on too)
Dear Sweetheart (or “Dorothy”)
You know how much I love you don’t you? Well double it. And then double that. You complete me.
This year, some of the guys at the cricket club have been putting in an incredible amount of work to keep the club growing. None of them really have the time, but they do it because they care. The website is amazing too, except when it got hacked by some sexist bloke, so don’t read that bit.
Unfortunately, I can’t perhaps provide the effort or input in the way that others can to push the club forward to the next level – and well, to be honest, I feel quite guilty about that. I would rather spend my time with you/and the kids/dog/X-Box/lawn mower/the mother in law/your sister (delete as appropriate), as you probably know.
Me and the guys were talking. How can we increase our fondness of our loved ones? Similar to Goring CC moving to the next level, how can OUR relationship move to the next level? I’ll tell you how…
You know that joke that ends with “abscess makes the farts go Honda?”, well that comes from the phrase “absence makes the heart grow fonder”. And that’s what I propose. Perhaps if I were to go away for, let’s say, four days in July (11th – 14th perhaps) – to a place where there aren’t even good looking sheep, let alone women half as pretty as you, and spend my sleeping hours next to some snoring hairy-arsed cricketer in deepest North Devon. We’ll get outside, play some golf and perhaps the odd game of cricket every afternoon. And we’ll eat deep fried food with peas every night – or even “Chicken Curry Surprise” (there’s no chicken in it). We’ll buy loads of drinks for ex-photographers who can never remember our names (delete if your name is Toby or Doug). We’ll play mind-numbing bar stunts that actually everyone knows now so they are not a surprise. And all this will be helped down with a few light ales and a game or two of poker or shove h’a’p’e’n’n’y’ against pensioners with green mono-teeth. But there’s more. We’ll speak to the local rural workers about “country ways” and how it is possible to love your wife and sister as a single individual. We’ll visit tank museums, lucozade shops, bike races, bowling alleys, indoor markets. We’ll read the Daily Sport – or look at the pictures at least. We will pig out on full English breakfasts and wear fake tattoos like the pathetic child-like individuals we are to make ourselves even more unattractive to the locals. We’ll even hold the first ever “Upswinger Tour Open” Golf Tournament – all in an effort to relax, take time out (note – not a weekend), so we can consider how much we all love our loved ones. That’s you (that is…).
And on my return, I will bring you fudge. Oh yes. Not just any fudge. No. But generic fudge, in a standard canary-yellow box, with a Devon postcard taped to it trying to pretend it was actually made there. And some washing, white washing, with four days of man-smell on it, that I will need cleaned and ironed by the following Saturday please – because I am so useless I can’t even find our washing machine, let alone work out how to open its door. You see – I need you. And GCC needs me – to go on cricket tour, to support the Club, and ultimately to better support you, and your shoe collection.
So there is my plea. Don’t let me be the odd one out. Oh, and by the way, I was noticing the other day how your bum doesn’t look big in anything that you wear. Ever.
Yours sincerely and Cricket First (or perhaps second)
PS: Can you copy and paste this into an email to The Chairman/Tour Daddy?
From: (insert name)’s Beautiful Partner
Subject: APPROVED! Goring CC Cricket Tour Pass 2010
Dear Toby/Tour Daddy
I wanted to write to you about (insert your name here). I guess deep down, he’s not a bad guy, and I know it’s important to have “guy-time” every now and then. As such, I think I owe it not only to (insert your name), but to you, The Bell at Chittlehampton and most importantly Goring Cricket Club too to allow him to go on cricket tour this year – and show his support for the club in a way that your committee is working so hard to do this season.
To be honest, I’d be happy for him to go away for a few days – it will be nice to have the house smelling fresh again and to keep the toilet seat down for 96 hours. I might have the handyman come round and give my back garden a thorough seeing to whilst he is away too.
So, please take him with you. I shall organise his tattoos for him as he is of course terrible at planning anything. Plus, he will need a Small/Medium/Large/XXXXL (delete as approp.) cricket tour shirt as well, if you would be so kind.
Cricket First (in this instance only)
The Ever Understanding, (insert missusses name here)