Assault and Battery Probe at GCC – “Its time to clean-up our act” says GCC Chairman

GCC has been rocked by accusations of physical abuse by one of its longest standing members.

Holed up in his sparsely furnished, dark and damp room, The Yellow Bin revealed to Upswinger the anguish and pain it has suffered over recent years which have reached an unprecedented level this season.

Will Smith last week

“Saturdays and Sundays are the worst” said The Bin. “During the week things are quiet around here – it’s a nice quiet place to live. But come the weekend all hell breaks loose. Most weekends it starts just after 130pm. Particularly if the 1s are at home and Will Smith is opening the batting! Those are the worst days. Its used to be fine when Armitage opened up. He could be relied upon to score a few. But Smith …. he has a real temper on him. There’s another chap, as well. Cross Lewis I think they call him – a Big Lad. He was fine last year but he’s obviously got into bad company over the winter. This year he’s been giving me a battering straight after Smith most Saturdays”.

Finding it difficult to control his emotions, The Bin continued: “It’s the waiting I can’t stand. Usually there is a shout from outside and then a minute or so later someone comes in releasing F and C bombs like its the Blitz. Usually it takes them 4 or 5 swings before they manage to hit me (and then its usually only a nick) but it still hurts. I may only be a bin but I have feelings as well you know. They’re not all bad though. Tom Ferry has never ever hit me (or anything else as far as I can tell) whilst that nice Michael Deeks often tidies me and the kit bag up at the end of the game. And I haven’t seen him for a while, but there was a bloke called Balkinshaw who used to come in and bash his helmet rather than me”.

Gutted.

“What I need is a break away from all this.” added The Bin. “I have a distant cousin who I might visit. He’s green, and much bigger than me, and lives on a small country estate nearby. He’s a real part of the team and often takes part in bowling practice. He has a great life: tuna sandwiches and swiss roll most weekends. All I get are empty Lucozade bottles, chewing gum and a load of stumps. I’d take the old boundary markers with me as well. They are really depressed at the moment – what’s going to happen to them? They cant go back to being guttering – there’s so little call for that nowadays.”

GCC Chairman Toby Tomlinson confirmed that action would be taken against anyone found to be physically harming other members of the club. “Its just not acceptable in this day and age” said Tomlinson. “Some of us fail every weekend and don’t feel it necessary to give The Yellow Bin what for. From a personal point of view I go home and kick the cat”. he added. The cat was not available for comment.

The Yellow Bin accepted no fee for this story. Instead, Upswinger has made a donation to the NSPCB (National Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Bins).

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One response to this post.

  1. Posted by Benson Privet on June 18, 2010 at 10:29 am

    Allegedly the Bin has been taken into a Witness Protection Programme and has been assigned a new identity as a Bollard. After being filled in with concrete he now has the roll back in his step, and has taunted Smith and Lewis prior to this Saturday’s home game, saying he is “bang up” for facing a few of their “piffling deliveries”.

    Reply

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