GCC Bloke Test Round One: Jamie Vickery vs. Tom Ferry

Bloke?

Much has been said in recent weeks of how GCC need to “Man Up” and become a little feistier on the pitch. To do this on the pitch requires us to be like it off the pitch, which is why we devised (stole/Chegwinned) the “Bloke Test” just to see who is the manliest of us all – well, out of some of us in a few initial “pairings”. So Round One results will be posted ‘every now and then’ to create a list of finalists (come on others, reply to me) – and whole new set of questions will be posed to that group.

All answers (and spelling/grammar….) are genuine. Should any readers feel any respondent might not be providing the truth, please add as comment, indicating the question number.

First up, we have Goring stalwart and once regular first team all-rounder Jamie Vickery against ever the pessimist TomI’ll bowl them out not catch them outFerry. Our expert Judge Wincott then analyses the responses and scores of each player and provides his own words of wisdom for each responder as a whole and the all important total score to see who goes into the next round. Here goes, Jamie Vickery in RED, Tom Ferry in BLUE.

 

Q1: Have you ever done a runner from a restaurant?

 JV: No, I’ve had a runner from Palmer Park though

 TF: No, though I have been physically removed from a gay bar in Newcastle by two lesbian bouncers after my then girlfriend explained that I was with her.

 JV: 0.5 points, TF: 0 points

 Q2: Have you ever thrown up in your sleep?

JV: No, but Jonesy threw up on me in his sleep on French Camp in 1991.

TF: No, however, I have sleep walked into the next door persons room at school and pissed in their bin, after turning on the lights!

JV: 0 points, TF: 0.5 points

Q3: Have you ever made a small child cry?

JV: Only Janine. I wee’d on her head when she was chasing me up a tree once. She cried alot.

TF: Yes on numerous occasions (It is a requirement for Primary school teaching). I have also told a child to “man up” after he fell over, it turned out later he had broken his arm.

JV: 1 point, TF: 1 point

Q4: Have you ever had anything alive in your mouth?

JV: Don’t think so. A cow wee’d in my mouth when i was milking it.

TF: Yes, I have eaten grubs and green ants in Australia. I have also cut out and eaten the still beating heart of a trout for a dare at school (I was quite unwell afterwards).

JV: 0 points, TF: 1 point

Q5: Have you ever feigned injury at cricket, when really you were just playing badly?

JV: No, but i did pretend to pull my hamstring in a footy semi-final once to avoid taking part in a penalty shoot-out

TF: On more occasions than I can remember, though not with the foot thing!

JV: 0.5 points, TF: 0 points

Q6: Have you ever ridden an animal other than a horse?

JV: Camel, large dog

TF: Yes, when at University I rode a cow for a dare. I fell off into a cow pat, not a positive experience.

JV: 1 point, TF: 1 point

Q7: Have you ever crapped yourself by accident?

JV: Possibly.

TF: Yes, this has happened more than once due to follow through… I have had to flush the boxers and go commando on two occasions.

JV: 0 points, TF: 1 point

Q8: Have you ever slept rough?

JV: Only at Paddington after missing the last train home following an oasis gig at Knebworth.

TF: Yes, when inter-railing at the Hook da Holland, without cash and with no way to get back to Amsterdam, I bedded down on a jetty!

JV: 0.5  points, TF: 1 point

Q9: Have you ever been woken up by a policeman?

JV: No. Been woken by some filth tho (is it me or can each of these questions be answered with a innuendo)

TF: See above, also after falling unconscious in Newcastle. He was quite unimpressed!

JV: 0 points, TF: 0.5 points

Q10: Have you ever set yourself on fire?

JV: I singed my bum hair after an impressive round of Night of the Flaming Ar$e-holes.

TF: Yes, when doing gardening work in France I misjudged the petrol to fire ratio, this led to the flames reaching the jerry can I was holding. Thankfully I was close to someone who wasn’t an idiot and they threw water over me. A week later I pissed on an electric fence and the resulting shock put me in a river.

JV: 0 points, TF: 1 point

TOTALS:

Jamie Vickery: 3.5 POINTS

Judge Wincott Comment: A surprisingly poor effort by the “Specimen Male” – perhaps a little too metrosexual to pass the GCC “bloke test”? More worringly though, his frequent references to both bestial, and incestuous, water sports, indicates real and deep-seated psychological issues.

Tom Ferry: 7 POINTS

Real Bloke.

Judge Wincott Comment: I once witnessed Ferry, literally, crawl off the cricket field (leaving us with 9 men) claiming to have suffered a “life threatening ankle injury.” Less than 10 minutes later he was playing football in front of the pavilion”. He is a coward of the lowest order. But in this case he progresses to the next round by virtue of his utter stupidity and complete honesty in answering the questions.

And the Winner is … TOM FERRY!

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2 responses to this post.

  1. Posted by Splodge on August 4, 2010 at 12:36 pm

    Q7, if Vickery had been more forthcoming he would have won the game hands down.

    Reply

  2. Posted by Splodge on August 4, 2010 at 12:38 pm

    ….also shame there wasn’t the question: have you ever got off with a spazzer?

    Reply

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