Bloke Test Round One: Mark Hooson vs. Olly Carrier

Who's he kidding?

The Bloke Test really seems to have captured the imagination – thank you for your positive feedback. Clearly, answering “Yes” does not warrant a point – and Judge Wincott can smell a liar from 500 yards, as he can a freshly roasted chicken. Some big name pairings still to come in round one, so watch this space. Our next pairing of the ever-popular series sees Sunday sometimes ‘keeper and Fringe-Loonatic, Mark Hooson in RED, against potential all-rounder and 1st Team opening bat Ollie Carrier in BLUE.  [click here]


Q1: Have you ever done a runner from a restaurant? 

MH:  I don’t think so – but have a sneaking suspician I might have done so on some beery rugby thing as a yoof. I may have failed 

OC:  No. I am not a theif. That is theiving. Real blokes do not theive. Chavs theive. Havent done a runner from a cab either. 

MH: 0.5 points, OC: 1 points 

Q2: Have you ever thrown up in your sleep? 

MH:  Yes – when I was little and it tasted like bread sauce. It might have been the bread sauce that made me throw up in retrospect. I also woke up with sick in my hair and over one side of my face on a rugby tour aged 15. 

OC:  Yes. Nearlly died. Had to try and wash the bedsheets without anyone noticing. Wasnt even that big a night. I think it was the peroni i drank. That night i also got attacked by an axe. 

MH: 0.5  points, OC: 0.5 points 

Q3: Have you ever made a small child cry? 

MH: Yes – our neighbour had a small son who would run enthusiastically after a football as fast as his little legs would carry him. It was impossible to resist just clipping his heels from behind and watching him tumble. 

OC:   Yes. Ice skating- turns out going fast is only good when you can go round corners at pace also. I couldnt. Child mother was most unimpressed. 

MH: 1 points, OC: 0.5 points 

Q4: Have you ever had anything alive in your mouth? 

MH: Yes – I used to try and eat wasps as a child 

OC:   I have had a variety of flies yes. But that isnt very impressive sorry. 

MH: 1  points, OC: 0 points 

Q5: Have you ever feigned injury at cricket, when really you were just playing badly? 

MH: No – not at cricket but I did over-embellish an asthma attack while playing rugby in the snow aged 14. I believe my actions contributed to the game being abandoned at half time. As we were losing at the time I feel justified. I was VERY cold. 

OC:    No. I’ve never needed to. I have pulled a sickie because i had been on a boozer and couldnt face being up in time. Also turns out texting toby at 5 in the morning in the cab back in london was a bit “obvious”. 

MH: 0.5 points, OC: 0 points 

Q6: Have you ever ridden an animal other than a horse? 

MH:  I tried riding my cat when little. It was tricky and ultimately unsuccessful. 

OC:   Pony? Sat on a dog once. 

MH: 0 points, OC: 0 points 

Q7: Have you ever crapped yourself by accident? 

MH:  No – but have come close in China, India and Morrocco due to local superstition towards an sort of hygiene. 

OC:   No. I have nothing else to add to this one, sorry. Oh hang on, when i was about 10 i did crap in someones pool. Maybe that should be a yes. 

MH: 0 points, OC: 0 points 

Q8: Have you ever slept rough? 

MH: Does passing out in an alley with a pepperoni pizza clasped to my chest count? I’m assuming it does 

OC:  No. But with someone rough? Yes. 

MH: 1 points, OC: 0 points 

Q9: Have you ever been woken up by a policeman? 

MH: No – And I have barely ever spoken to a policeman. I remember waking up and the floor after holding my breath and having a mate push my chest in till I passed out. I didn’t even seem like a good idea at the time 

OC:   No. But have been given a lift home by one who laughed at how drunk i was, to the amusement of my friends. 

MH: 0 points, OC: 0.5 points 

Q10: Have you ever set yourself on fire? 

MH: I’ve singed my hair a few times after dousing some chicken in brandy and setting light to it for coq au vin. 

OC:  No. But burnt myself getting a pizza out the oven once. Scarred me for 3 years. 

MH: 0 points, OC: 0 points 




The Real Mark Hooson

Judge Wincott Comment:  Coq-au-vin?! Bread sauce!?  Its no wonder the club is struggling with non-blokes like this in its ranks! What’s wrong with a cheap pork pie from Londis and some English mustard?  However, any one who eats wasps is a bona-fide hard-man and passing out in an alley clutching a pizza indicates a real effort towards achieving bloke status. Mark Hooson: 4.5 POINTS

Judge Wincott Comment:  Ice skating? ICE SKATING!? A moment please whilst I stop hyperventilating. Whilst the OC is absolutely correct that real men don’t thieve, they also don’t let their mates down on the Saturday morning of a game due to mild intoxication. Guilty as charged. Ollie Carrier: 2.5 POINTS 

And the Winner is: Mark Hooson


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