Bloke Test Round 1 (still) : Len Sexon vs. “Doug Scarney”

"Scarney"

 

An anonymous entry this time around; someone who did not want his full name given (although he is a great bloke and a model employee to any company searching the internet for references) – who we shall just call “Doug Scarney” (note to Google, please do not use “Did you mean Sarney?”).

“Doug” is up against someone who in fact had been proposed by his wife to take part, the only GCC player with Tommy Hilfiger cricket boots, Len Sexon. As ever, Judge Wincott presiding with, Doug (“Stumping Chance”) Scarney” in RED, and Len Sexon in BLUE.

 

Q1: Have you ever done a runner from a restaurant?

 “DS”: Not that I can remember. I have made a very swift exit from a restaurant to empty stomach of unwanted Indian comestibles – but not without paying. I did a runner from a taxi in Reading once with Big Steve. Well, I say ‘runner’…. We were so bad at it that we had to ring up the taxi company the next day and ask if they’d mind dropping off Steve’s bag at work.

 LS: In my late teens with my brother. We ran out of a Wimpy restaurant on Durban Beach (had a nice aquarium attached). It was a pretty crap burger anyway.

 “DS”: 0.5 points, LS: 0.5 points

 Q2: Have you ever thrown up in your sleep?

 “DS”: No – but I have been thrown up on, in my sleep. My brother came to stay with me at Uni – he got the bed, I got the floor, it was a very small room, we’d been drinking heavily, he leaned over the edge of the bed in the middle of the night for a chunder and I got both barrels in the face – what a way to wake up.

 LS: Not quite. On a booze cruise in Durban harbour I was getting pretty lucky with this blonde girl. I was nestled on the floor with her and was about to plant a big smacker on her lips when I had the irresistible urge to throw up (on both of us). The next thing I remember when I woke up was somebody had me by the neck and I was hanging over the egde of the boat……….. This after I had nearly been murdered in a shebeen on Durban harbour trying to get our booze.

 “DS”: 0 points, LS: 0 points

 Q3: Have you ever made a small child cry?

 “DS”: Surely this question should say – “Have you ever made a small child cry today?” Unfortunately the answer would still be ‘Yes’.

 LS: Resounding yes on this one. The rules were much more relaxed as a teacher in Namibia. I remember making one particular fat kid do press-ups onto a blackboard duster on a Friday afternoon. I locked the rest of the class in till he did it. Needless to say he got a lot of encouragement from his classmates.

 “DS”: 1 points, LS: 1 points

 Q4: Have you ever had anything alive in your mouth?

 “DS”: Worms, wasps, flies, woodlice and (post-childhood) oysters

 LS: Flying ants are quite tasty and buttery. And considered quite a delicacy (or at least a free meal) in South Africa. 

  “DS”: 0.5 points, LS: 1 points

 Q5: Have you ever feigned injury at cricket, when really you were just playing badly?

 “DS”: Err, no, I always play badly so don’t need to feign injury. I did get one in the chops from a short ball from JV after I hadn’t faced him for a while – blood and snot everywhere. It was during the Old Tauntonians game and was my birthday. Jamie Hunt ran onto the pitch with a can of lager so I was very quickly OK to continue. Had to drink G&T through a straw all evening Alan Soashe.

 LS: No but have occasionally thought of injuring others, including current  team mates. Did hurt myself kicking the wickets down once in a midweek game.

 “DS”: 1 points, LS: 1 points

 Q6: Have you ever ridden an animal other than a horse?

 “DS”: Do dogs count? Is so, yes. One of my ex-girlfriends was a bit of an animal.

 LS: What a question to ask an African. A camel definitely – I was even bitten by a cheetah one and have the scars to prove it.

 “DS”: 0 points, LS: 1 points

 Q7: Have you ever crapped yourself by accident?

 “DS”: Oh dear. The answer to this is Yes. Not only is it a ‘Yes’ but it was after a GCC annual dinner and the proof lies in the annals (geddit?) of one of the early printed versions of Upswinger!, entitled ‘Pavlova Palaver’ if I’m not mistaken. Go through the back issues if you are interested in the bottom line but in summary, I wasn’t welcome in Tescos Reading for a few weeks and had to flush the undies down their customer loo. It took me a good few days before I was able to break wind audibly.

 LS: No – But I did piss all over a friend of mine while sleepwalking after a night on the vodka.

 “DS”: 1 points, LS: 0 points

 Q8: Have you ever slept rough?

 “DS”: Yes, plenty of times, some for fun and some by accident. Once in a skip filled with cardboard which was surprisingly comfortable and very warm. [EDITORIAL COMMENT : Imagine this was the answer to Question 7 “Have you ever crapped yourself by accident?” – and re-read this answer]

 LS: Too many to count , by the side of the highway , in the gutter , on the beach, on bales of hay etc. [Likewise]

 “DS”: 1 points, LS: 1 points

 Q9: Have you ever been woken up by a policeman?

 “DS”: When I was a student on placement I got too lashed to walk home in Evesham and had to sleep it off in a shop doorway. I got woken up by a policeman but being young (18) and un-wordly-wise I ran off frightened.

 LS: Perhaps most memorably after a turnabout party in freshers week at university. I ended up asleep in the middle of the road about a mile from the university. It was hard to explain why I was wearing a nurses outfit and green stockings, but even harder to explain to my mom after they dropped me off at home.

 “DS”: 1 points, LS: 1 points

 Q10: Have you ever set yourself on fire?

 “DS”: Many times. The eyebrows are a favourite when fire-breathing but the pubes have gone up in the past whilst passing a burning fire-club down the trouser leg. Once I was doing street acrobatics and fire-breathing combined with a mate – we thought we’d try something new which went horribly wrong and we ended up setting fire to each other. Lost most of the hair on my head that day and no-one about to put a few quid in the hat! I’m convinced that’s what makes the eyebrow, nose and ear hair grow grey, fast and curly these days. Well, that’s my excuse anyway.

 LS: At a 21st birthday party I was standing by the braaivleis as you do in SA when somebody threw petrol on the fire. It totally wiped out my eyebrows and my fringe. Lots of Nicki Lauda jokes after that. It was by no means the worst event of the night………………

 “DS”: 1.0 points, LS: 0.5 points

TOTALS:

 Judge Wincott Comment: These two appear to like the sound of their own keyboards as much as Nutterfield likes the sound of his own voice! Alternatively, perhaps all this waffle is a cover for perjury?  Should you be able to provide confirmation or otherwise of the above events, please post your comment for consideration by the Court of Appeal. I have serious doubts about the validity of some of these claims.

 Doug Scarney: 7.0 POINTS

 Judge Wincott Comment:  A fine performance from the typewriter loving, juggling, fire-eating Scarney.  But with all those skills you would have thought that controlling your own bowels would be a piece of cake! 

Len Sexon: 7.0 POINTS

 Judge Wincott Comment:  Abusing a fat kid when you look like an extra from Tenko seems particularly unfair – and will certainly not endure you to this Judge! However, the stump kicking incident remains a classic GCC moment; real blokes hurt when cricket goes wrong.

A random person, yesterday.

 

 And the Winner is: A well HUNG PARLIAMENT with the both the Reds and Blues demonstrating high bloke-manship skills.  However, after a recount focusing on the use of the word “comestibles”, DOUG SCARNEY is declared the winner.

 

 

NEXT UP – a HUGE clash – Will Smith vs. Jonny Russell – and then, the final clash of Round One – YOU VOTE as to who should take part. Through so far Ferry, Slade, Hooson, Scarney – and will be joined by Smith or Russell and the winner of the “You Vote” poll which we shall produce (how good is all this?). Final 6 go in two semi-finals of 3 blokes in each to provide a head to head final (I think).

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