Bloke Test R1: Jonny Russell vs. Will Smith

Russell, last week

So, the battle of the heavyweights (so to speak). Chief Auditor Jonny Russell vs 1st XI Vice Captain and opening bat Will Smith. Many of you will know whether these answers are true or not, so feel free to comment. One more match up in Round 1 to come – for which you will vote on the participants. Judge Wincott in the Chair as usual. Here goes – RUSSELL in RED, SMITH in BLUE FLASHING LIGHTS;

Q1: Have you ever done a runner from a restaurant?

 JR: I’ve never left illegally without paying, but I did once have to do a runner from a curry house before finishing the Poppadoms, as unbeknown to me my ex-girlfried was having a curry with my brother a few table across from myself and my current girlfriend. Sensing a disaster I explained to the kind waiter who wished us well and said our drinks were on the house. We escaped covertly without being spotted by ex or brother.

 WS: I did once, but then gave in when chased by the 55 old female proprietor wielding a corkscrew. It was in Banbury.

 JR: 0.5 points, WS: 0 points

 Q2: Have you ever thrown up in your sleep?

 JR: Yes – Christmas morning 1995. After my first proper Goring night-out, I woke up on Christmas morning to East 17 and Stay Another Day only to find my best was covered in vomit. After assessing the options I decided to leave that to later and opened the presents at the bottom of my bed first.

 WS: No, but I have slash-walked over my bed twice and over a housemate’s head once.

 JR: 1 points, WS: 0 points

 Q3: Have you ever made a small child cry?

 JR: Yes – Oval 2005, dressed up in Superman lycra outfit with little left to the imagination. The older kids took the piss out of me, but it was too much for a younger one.

 WS: Did not you not witness my tirade against West Reading? Not that I can remember.

 JR: 0.5 points, WS: 0 points

 Q4: Have you ever had anything alive in your mouth?

 JR: Not that I can remember, although I reckon I would be man enough to take on the I’m a celebrity get me out of here challenges).

 WS: Have you ever had a Masoom’s Vindaloo?

JR: 0 points, WS: 0 points

 Q5: Have you ever feigned injury at cricket, when really you were just playing badly?

JR: God no – cricket is the best game in the world only mincers would do that. At Pinkneys this year I broke my finger in the second over and went on to take 3 catches including a Strauss salmon.

 WS: Sort of. I had really bad jock rot in a game against Nettlebed in 2004 and we were getting trounced. I had just had enough of chasing leather so feigned a hamstring injury to get myself in a close fielding position

 JR: 1 points, WS: 0.5 points

 Q6: Have you ever ridden an animal other than a horse?

 JR: Yes – Camel in Lanzarote. Smell was awful.

 WS: No, but I have ridden Jonny Russell all the way back to East Stowford Manor on the 2005 Teur.

 JR: 1 points, WS: 0.5  points

 Q7: Have you ever crapped yourself by accident?

 JR: No – you hold on like your life depends on it when you get close to such a disaster.

 WS: Yes, whilst in a lecture in my third year I let rip a cheeky one. Unfortunately the 10 beers and kebab the night before had loosened things up a little. Cue a quick exit.

 JR: 0 points, WS: 1 points

 Q8: Have you ever slept rough?

 JR: Yes – once or twice at university, if sleeping outside on the grass is acceptable.

 WS: Yes, on a bench in an Islington park. It was freezing and I ended up getting chased off by a park warden and a pigeon had shat on my shoe.

 JR: 0.5 points, WS: 1 points

 Q9: Have you ever been woken up by a policeman?

 JR: I am woken up by policeman Smith at least once or twice a year as we are regular room mates on our annual lads jollies. If you ask me I need a medal as well as a point for sleeping with Will Smith.

 WS: Yes, when she brought me my coffee after I had slipped her one the night before.

 JR: 0 points, WS: 1 points

 Q10: Have you ever set yourself on fire?

 JR: No – 999 and Michael Buerk gives me nightmares, so I give this one a miss.

 WS: Yes, sitting eating a nice steak, in a posh restaurant and started to choke on it. Whilst my dad was trying to dislodge it from my gullet my hair went up like Bonfire Night.

 JR: 0 points, WS: 0.5 points


 Jonny Russell: 4.5 POINTS.  

 Judge Wincott Comment:  Unexpectedly meeting up with your ex-girlfriend with you current girlfriend in tow is not a potential disaster but an opportunity for some group-loving. Throw in a “brother” and some poppadoms and you have the basic premise for a niche movie opportunity.


Cheeky One

Will Smith: 4.5 POINTS

 Judge Wincott Comment:  After a slow start, The Beast demonstrates excellent bloke-manship skills via the use of “slipped her one,” “let rip a cheeky one” and “Masoom’s Vindaloo”. However, I do know he did have some trouble with one particular “vindaloo” takeaway I once ordered for him from Masooms – he mistakenly believes he just got a “hotter than usual one” (don’t tell him)!


And the Winner is: Another, Hung Parliament! However, I am not convinced by Russell’s claims that has not done-one from a restaurant nor that he has not shat himself; anyone who has visited as many dodgy take-aways as Russell must have completed at least one of these activities. WILL SMITH is declared the winner.


One response to this post.

  1. Posted by Benson Privet on August 18, 2010 at 8:27 pm

    The Beast was chalked up to be a Daily Telegraph reading “beater” from an early age as I found out to my misfortune in the mid-90s. Staying round the his house at the age of 14 with Matt Wicks, I splurged my guts out in his fireplace after a session on the Strongbow, filling the well up with juices. When the Beast found out he produced a snooker cue and proceeded to beat a confession out of our shins over a number of hours (surely a prelude to his career in the force). That night subsequently came known as Beast’s “Reign of Terror”. Attempts to remove his goatee beard by force in the dead of night in following years met with similar displays of raw aggression.


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