Bloke Test R1 – Final Pairing – Ro’ss vs Direct

"Straight Direct" with his "beautiful" "wife" and the most fashionable jacket Australia has to offer

As voted by the global work-shy readership of this 2nd rate blog, we have the final pairing – El Presidente, Jim Ross versus Goring’s 2nd best ever school-teacher/bowler, Giles Derrett – who now resides in Australia due to reasons known only to him, and the authorities. It takes too long to do the whole coloured font thing – so I have given it a miss here. Buckle up – and enjoy the ride…here goes;

Have you ever done a runner from a restaurant?

GD: Used to order food through the bar at the end of every Saturday shift at a now closed restaurant in Reading (name withheld by editor)… and then disappear without picking up the tab.  For months nobody realised it was me, I think someone else even got into Sh*t for it!  But please don’t tell anyone Andy…

JR: No, thieving’s not my thing. I have chased down numerous ‘blokes’ who have tried to run from me when I worked in the trade and have gone to court over some more violent ones but was never impressed with their tough blokeishness.

GD: 0 points, JR: 1 point

Have you ever thrown up in your sleep?

GD: Yes, Saturday mornings at uni freqently started with Kebab Meat, chilli sauce and salad over my face but I woke up once to find a technicolour yawn sticking face to pillow… proper rank.

JR: No, why would I do this?

GD: 1 point, JR: 0 points

Have you ever made a small child cry?

GD: It happens a lot less than it used too… but a hazard of primary school teaching I’m afraid.

JR: Yes, many. Ask Millie Kent about her current boyfriend and you’ll get tears. Also used to do a gorilla impression which has b(r)ought instant tears of pure pant-filling fear to young children.

GD: 1 point, JR: 1 point

Derrett was in Australia's most successful Spice Girls tribute act

Have you ever had anything alive in your mouth?

 

 

GD: Some crazy guy came to our school a few weeks back and told a story about how he saved himself from a brown snake by biting it first… I laughed of course cos I always thought a brown snake was something else!  A bug or two…

JR: Used to like the tickle of a 9volt battery on my tongue as a young boy but I think more widely known is my eating challenge from an idiot called Maggot in the Bell at Chittle. He said he could eat anything but he couldn’t manage a snail from the flowerbed – I crunched it down.

GD: 0 points, JR: 1 point

Have you ever feigned injury at cricket, when really you were just playing badly?

GD: I’ve taken advantage of an old ankle injury once or twice to get in the slips…

JR: No, feel sorry for anyone who finds themselves resorting to this.

GD: 0.5 points, JR: 1 point

Have you ever ridden an animal other than a horse?

GD: Ostrich… wasn’t for long, fortunately for the ostrich.

JR: No, only ever ridden a horse once and decided then that I would never ride or put myself under the control of any kind of living thing dumber than me. This works on all levels and I recommend it.

GD: 1 point, JR: 0.5 points

Have you ever crapped yourself by accident?

GD: I have rinsed the old sleeping bag through a few times… but haven’t crapped myself in memory…

JR: Please refer to answer about puking in your sleep. Surely this isn’t blokeish? Childish perhaps? Shouldn’t this question read; Have you ever had an unmentioned drinking competition with a stranger on a long haul flight? Something like that?

GD: 0 points, JR: 0 points – official warning for contempt of court

Have you ever slept rough?

GD: we thought it would be fun to sleep on a roof at school once…

JR: Regularly go to bed feeling rough. Had an all day session when living in London, got a taxi back to my flat, got out of the taxi, fell into A hedge, woke up the next morning on the pavement outside my flat, 5 yards from my front door, just couldn’t make it.

GD: 0.5 points, JR: 1 point

Have you ever been woken up by a policeman?

GD: No

JR: Wouldn’t this suggest I have spent the night in a cell? No, cricket club presidents deal with chief constables anyway not flattie beatboys.

GD: 0 points, JR: 0 points

Have you ever set yourself on fire?


GD: Not on fire…burnt my hand a bit when I burnt a shopping trolley full of rubbish, my socks and half a fence down on Norris Road behind PFC on Wokingham road.

JR: So thieving, puking, sharting, being arrested and self-conflagration are the yardsticks for a bloke? No, I have never set myself on fire, nor have I ever ridden anything dumb enough to set themselves on fire.

GD: 0 points, JR: -1 point for contempt of court and second official warning. Any more outbursts, Ross, and you’ll be removed from the attack and carted off to the cells, where you will find yourself answering Yes to: Have you ever been woken up by a policeman?

TOTALS:

Gay Direct: 4 POINTS

Judge Wincott Comment: Burning stuff in shopping trolleys! Thieving from restaurants!  Is it any wonder that our schools are turning out poorly educated low-lifes? The Convict Colony is the right place for this Faginesque teacher!

Jim Ross: 4.5 POINTS

Judge Wincott Comment: This court does not take kindly to those who, through their position in GCC society, consider themselves to be above the rule of Bloke-Law; this is not a Court of Justice, this is a Court of Bloke-Law. Further, the court finds it difficult to differentiate between being so drunk that you fall through a hedge unconscious and vomiting in one’s sleep. “Et tu, Brutu?”

And the Winner is (despite his penalty point): Official Blokes-Bloke President Mr. James Hilliam Ross!

 

So Jim does through to face the intimidating “3-up” semi’s of ;

  • m. Hooson
  • w. Smith
  • p. Slade
  • dnb. Scarney
  • c. Ferry
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