Here are the bloke’s semis in a huge “three-way”, not unusual for these guys I am sure. El Presidente up against The Beast himself and Danger Guy, Doug “Scarney”. Fasten your seat belts for the first semi-final in our own cricketer’s Testosterone Match (see what I did there?) – as ever, Judge Wincott is in the chair – and a whole new set of questions….the competition just got serious. Add a comment if you know any of the answers to be untrue.
Q1: What is the biggest thing you have killed?
D”S”: A deer
JR: I grew up shooting birds but biggest was on a tea plantation in Kenya. The owners had a Labrador that had 7 puppies, they could only leave 2 to survive and had to kill the remaining 5. The owner and I drowned them in a sack. He did not want to do it on his own and nobody else would help, I was seventeen.
WS: A deer, in my Fiesta. Failing that, Butterfield’s ego during the matches I skippered.
D”S”: 0.5 point (as no explanation of murder method), JR: 0 points (suspected perjury), WS: 0.5 point
Q2: What’s the most important thing you skipped in order to play or watch cricket?
D”S”: Just after my proposal of marriage to Karina I buggered off to play cricket for Goring – does that count?
JR: A friend’s wedding to play at the Oval. Regret it always.
WS: Where do I start. International Tests/ODI’s, a wedding for one of the missus’ family, Mum’s birthday. I don’t do missing cricket. Not for regatta’s, not for hangovers, not for ankle injuries.
D”S”: 0 points, JR: 0.5 points, WS: 0 points (confirmed perjury: “Lads” Weekends away in places such as Brighton and San Francisco count as missing cricket – no points).
Q3: What has been your biggest bet placed or highest winnings taken from a single bet?
D”S”: £270 winnings on a Premiership accumulator for a €5 bet (Irish website). I have just lost a 7 year-old bet where I put £5 on at 900-1 that Muralitharan would take over 800 test wickets. So close…. I think someone knew. We should be interviewing bookies over this one http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Muttiah_Muralitharan
JR: £350 on one frame of double or quits pool
WS: Poor effort this one. I won £110 on Arsenal winning the double in 2002, good for a £5 bet. Probably win about a grand with that stake these days.
D”S”: 0.5 points (900-1???), JR: 1 point, WS: 1 point
Q4: Have you ever been mistaken for a woman?
D”S”: No – but I have been mistaken for a girl. When I was about two years old I had curly blonde hair and frequently used to be mistaken for a XX chromosome-holder. Have never forgiven my mother.
JR: Oh shame on you Ed, and the questions were going so well. Surely cross-dressers would have been eliminated in the first round. No, never. Also if you are one of those people who think “it’s fun” to dress up as a woman for parties or sport then I believe you have issues and need to seek professional advice. I have also met Graham Lunt’s mum without a problem.
WS: Being as hairy as Geoff Capes and as manly as Chuck Norris? That has never happened.
D”S”: 0.5 points, JR: 1 point, WS: 1 point
Q5: Did you ever hide to avoid a beating?
D”S”: Fuck no. I wish I was reading Mickey G’s answer to this question. (“Never been down”)
JR: Yes, more times than I can remember. Used to get a hiding regularly and every night before going home from school.
WS: Only from DFTS. It was in 2002 and it got a bit rowdy in the soashe after a few cheeky ones. Things got broken and the quiet room got violated. I knew of DFTS’ reputation. Whilst Grant hid in the corner of the snooker room I scarpered. Normally I like a bit of aggro. However a former Headhunter was slightly out of my range.
D”S”: 1 point, JR: 0 points (Bullies win when pussies hide), WS: 0.5 point
Q6: What is your favourite chocolate bar?
D”S”: Lion Bar
WS: No nonsense. Yorkie.
D”S”: 0 points, JR: 0 points, WS: 0 points – Lions, Texans and Yorkies? I am highly skeptical at all these answers. No points for anyone.
Q7: How fast have you gone “unmotorised”?
D”S”: I used to have a speedometer on my mountain bike and clocked 40mph on a track coming down the side of Mount Snowdon.
JR: Skiing probably, but did fall of a cliff and land on the top of a fir tree whilst skiing so will claim I reached my optimum velocity between cliff edge and tree top. Had to be carried off due to being stuck at the top unconcious. Have scars to prove it should this be a dead heat.
WS: 72mph. Wet ‘n’ Wild waterpark on the Gold Coast. It took a surgeon 3 hours to remove the trunks from my aris.
D”S”: 1 points, JR: 0.5 points, WS: 0.5 points
Q8: What is the closest you have come to losing a testicle?
D”S”: Putting a flaming fireclub down my pants and trying to get it out of the bottom of some tight-fitting jeans. It didn’t go well.
JR: Temp work receptionist from Finland who was partial to biting, totally terrifying. Strictly professional after that.
WS: Seemed to spend most of my school days in constant fear of losing a bollock. Kicked in the nuts or being hit by fast bowlers wearing useless plastic boxes. But it was probably when JR [Ed Note: Russell, not Ewing] decided to smack me (gently in his words, after 7 pints) in the nuts with the thick end of a snooker cue. I was had to check whether I had two balls left and walked like John Wayne for a week after.
D”S”: 0 points, JR: 0 points, WS: 0.5 points
Q9: What is your “manliest” formal qualification?
D”S”: Chairman and founder of a mountaineering club called Walkers And Novice Climbers Club. Named only for the acronym.
JR: Are qualifications manly? Cycle Proficiency.
WS: My power is in my knowledge.
D”S”: 0 points, JR: 0 points, WS: 0 points – No points – nothing manly at all here. Not even CSE Metalwork.
Q10: Play in front of a packed house at Lords – or sleep with a stunning A-List female celebrity?
D”S”: Thanks for the options, both are beyond unlikely but I’m very grateful for the conundrum. Celebrity-shagging is likely to be more successful should I be given the opportunity – I’m really crap at cricket. I’d like to think that I may last slightly longer with Cheryl Cole than at the Lord’s crease (excluding the walk to the shower afterwards, otherwise Lord’s would last longer).
JR: There is not a single part of me that could be diagnosed CWS. I’m sure, no matter how stunning, the A-lister would be something of an anti-climax. Playing to a packed house at Lords could not be an anti-climax so is my choice without contemplation.
WS: Scoring an unbeaten ton to win an Ashes match at the home of cricket has always been my dream. Plus I’ve already done the other option so Lords it is.
D”S”: 0 point, JR: 1 points, WS: 1 points – Let us be frank: birds are 10-a-penny; there is only one Lords.
Judge Wincott Comment: 900 – 1?! Since when have the bookies being offering odds of 900-1. I smell perjury in the air – as well as Pavlova-soiled boxers. Doug “Scarney”: 3.5 POINTS
Judge Wincott Comment: Real Bloke qualifications include: C&G plumbing, Kendo black belt, and GCSE Bomb-Disposal. They do not include drowning puppies in a sack. Jim Ross: 4 POINTS
Judge Wincott Comment: A solid performance from the hirsute one including a fine range of “things missed for cricket”. What a shame he didn’t miss the fielder stood at point at Ruislip. Will Smith: 5 POINTS
Judge Wincott Overall Comment: With the crown so close, the court is fearful that some of the contestants are being less than truthful with their answers – in fact you could say lying through their teeth. However, by scoring points on 7 of the 10 questions posed The Beast demonstrated real Blokemanship over a range of topics.
And the Winner is Will Smith who makes it through to the final.
Next up – Ferry v Slade v Hooson (if anyone can find Hooson…