Bloke Test 2nd Semi Final : Hoos v. Slade v. Ferry

Second semi final – and what a match up this one is!! Sladies and Gentlemen, I bring you “The Hoos” v “The Maestro” v “A Teacher”. In the Chair is Judge Wincott – sniffing out any liars and presiding over the whole affair to identify the most suitable bloke to enter the final against The Beast himself – Will Smith. There has been much talk over a “live final” whereby the two finalists drink Drambuie shandies in The Soashe, bite the heads off GUFC defenders and polish off a Masooms Vindaloo without the aid of a lager top or four. Other events for the live final (to feature on GCC TV – U! Tube) should be added as comments to this post. Enough of that stuff – here are the same semi final questions and comments and a final decision from the Big Guy…

Q1: What is the biggest thing you have killed?

MH:  This is bad … I haven’t shot anything, or even hit much of note in the car. I got close, but the deer went back into the bushes. I thought I was lucky at the time but not now. So my answer is … a big spider.

Deer oh dear.

PS: Deer – the weapon was my girlfriend’s Dad’s VW Scirocco! Made of bit of a mess to both deer and car! It did mean that my mate who was in the back could use the VW badge for a Beastie Boy style necklace bling thing though, without having to nick one off another car.

 TF:  A cow, whilst working in kennels at school I had to bolt, skin and butcher a cow for the beagles to eat. Surprisingly gross and I required a car to help with the pulling part of skinning! Private school, it’s not all buggery! 

 MH:  0.5 points (Honesty Pays), PS: 1 point, TF: 1 point

 Q2: What’s the most important thing you skipped in order to play or watch cricket?

 MH: I missed the death of a close relative. No not really. But I’ve managed to avoid seeing an ancient relative for quite some time however, Is that important? I don’t know… not sure I’m scoring highly here….

 PS: Family holiday – not really skipped, more of an early termination. 

 TF:  My mum flew out to Australia while we were out there. On the day she was due to come to Melbourne to see us both Katie and I claimed heavy workload, whilst actually being filmed abusing Glen Mcgrath as he dropped the soon to be match winning Paul Collingwood for a few!

 MH:  0 points, PS: 0.5 points, TF: 0.5 points

 Q3: What has been your biggest bet placed or highest winnings taken from a single bet?

 MH:  Won £48 or thereabouts on the Grand National. I was skint at the time – the nag came home a treat!

 PS: £140 on a hand of 3 card bragg on a cricket tour. Not a huge amount but enough to pay for a flight to Nice for holiday the week after 

 TF: Gambling is for idiots… Therefore I have wasted my share of dough! In one lump sum I lost A$450 in Sydney. The most I have ever won was £350ish on a 5 way £2.50 bet on nags when internet gambling.  

 MH:  0 points, PS: 0.5 points, TF: 0.5 points

Q4: Have you ever been mistaken for a woman?

MH:  No, but occassionally people mistake me for a cricketer! *Boom Boom*!!!!!!

You can call me Pete

PS: Yes – quite a few occasions – most recently at a party last year! Moulin Rouge party – stockings,suspenders the works. Probably the most convincing was dressed as a naughty nun in Dartmouth 2002ish for New Year’s eve.

TF: Not since cross dressed pub crawls in Newcastle when at Uni with the Agric society. On one occasion I was complemented on my eyes and had my arse pinched by some pissed geordie, however I failed to put out!

MH:  1 point, PS: 0 points, TF: 0.5 points



Q5: Did you ever hide to avoid a beating?

MH:  Nope. Except when Hedgy bowls a wide one down leg side (disbelieving gasps all round!!!) and as wicketkeeper I make a fairly half-arsed attempt at going for it, knowing full well that if I did it would catch me square in the chops. 

PS: Yes – at school – often hid to avoid the cane – never got away with it though – they always caught up with me eventually – understandable really as it was a boarding school and I had to turn up to eat and play cricket eventually!! 

Never manage to get out the way quick enough when it comes to fights! Obviously this all happened in my youth and rarely get out now to get myself in these sticky situations

TF: Only dicks get into fights and pussies run away! On a number of occasions I have had to take abuse from Hedge jnr., after baiting him. I can also remember him pinning me against the cab shelter in Reading with my feet off the floor as I had allegedly nicked his kebab (Beast was munching through said Kebab behind his back at the time). 

MH:  1 point, PS: 1(reverse psychology earns a point here)  point, TF: 0 points

Q6: What is your favourite chocolate bar?

MH:  Plain Dairy Milk. Not one for these fancy chocolate bars. Nuts and chocolate? And raisins??!! Honestly.

PS: Crunchie – although I rarely eat chocolate as my body is a hallowed, sporting temple

TF: Currently the Whittakers Peanut Slab, exactly what it says. Shits on snickers, the only problem is that it is quite hard to get hold of in this hemisphere!!!

MH:  1 point, PS: 1 point, TF: 0 (Sweet snobbery is not manly) points

Q7: How fast have you gone “unmotorised”?

MH: I’ve ridden a horse – bout 30mph!!!!!!! I also got thrown off its back – does that get a bonus point??

PS: Not sure exactly but did a bungee catapult in Thailand early 90s. Just googled bungee catapult speed and they reckon you can go between 120 and 180 kmh. That’s quite quick isn’t it? Does a bungee count as a motor? 

Jumped off a high cliff into the sea once (actually not that high really) . Must’ve been travelling pretty fast when I hit the water – but unfortunately forgot to close my legs and felt like I was going to have to lose my testicles.

TF:  I once hit 35mph on a trolly attached to the back of a car “surfing”, unfortunately I lost control on release from the car and went off a haha (ironic name as it really hurt) at school.

MH:  0.5 point, PS: 1 point, TF: 0.5 points

Q8: What is the closest you have come to losing a testicle?

Hitler's Story

MH:  Who came up with these questions? (How close were you to losing a nut?)

I’ve always worn a sturdy box and avoided violent women, so I’ve haven’t come that close at all.

PS: see above – about a week of pain afterwards

TF: Had a rebound incident whilst shooting in my youth. Bullet was caught in my jeans, however I couldn’t walk properly for a month!  

MH:  0 points, PS: 0.5 points, TF: 0.5 points


Q9: What is your “manliest” formal qualification?

MH:  This gets worse. I didn’t even take Design and Technology GCSE! I have a sailing qualification – a Day skipper – solely for use in the murderous high sea known as The Med…

PS: Don’t really understand the question! Advanced Open Water Scuba Diver? TCCB registered player 1986-1990? A level Art? 2.1 degree in Cartography – involved doing stuff like triangulation and working with a theodolite. I also got a ‘degree’ at the Burger King University – involved watching a video for 20 mins and answering 10 multi-choice questions!

TF: I have held qualifications for teaching fencing, shooting, quad biking etc. However whilst in my previous job I got an alcohol licence so the company could sell booze!

MH:  0 points, PS: 0 points, TF: 0.5 points

Q10: Play in front of a packed house at Lords – or sleep with a stunning A-List female celebrity?

MH: Hmmmm… tricky this. You’ve not given any indication of time spent on either option (!). Both have the potential to ‘conclude’ rather quickly. But I’ll choose Option A – the walk out to the middle is quite a long one.

PS: What a ridiculous question – I defy anyone to answer the former – if they answer cricket they’re a tw@t!. (Insulting the Judge will not help your cause).  Stunning A-List celeb of course.

TF:  Play at Lords every time for two reasons;

1) My wife is better than any “plastic” A-Lister

2) No price can be put on playing at the home of cricket.

MH:  1 point, PS: 0 points, TF: 1 point



Mark Hooson: 5 POINTS

Judge Wincott Comment: Whilst the Hoo may have occasionally been mistaken for a cricketer, he is most unlikely to be mistake him for a real bloke.  Honesty served him well in the opening round but no further; please leave the court and return to your life of sweet bouquets, ethereal roses, and reglisse reds.

Pete Slade: 5.5 POINTS

Judge Wincott Comment: Cartography? Cross-dressing? Preferring to pound Tom Cruise than play at Lords? How did this mincer get through to the second round! Someone needs to have a word with the judge.

Tom Ferry: 5 POINTS

Judge Wincott Comment: “Had a rebound incident whilst shooting in my youth”?!?!?! Thank God there was no cross-examination on this one; under no circumstances send your children to Upper Basildon Primary School.


Judge Wincott Overall Comment:

A surprisingly close run thing. The Hoo’s slow start belied some fine middle-order scoring whilst Ferry would have run-out the winner had it not been for his sweet-snobbery.  

So bookies and mature-ladies favourite “FILF”, Peter “Karen Carpenter” Slade is the Winner and makes it to the final where he will face The Beast.


One response to this post.

  1. Did anyone else keep reading Pete’s answers (PS) and assume they were a post script to Mark’s answers i.e.

    MH: Who came up with these questions? (How close were you to losing a nut?)
    I’ve always worn a sturdy box and avoided violent women, so I’ve haven’t come that close at all.

    PS: see above – about a week of pain afterwards

    No? just me then.


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