Again – No comment or scores just yet…just the raw data…
Q1. Could you fly a plane?
I reckon so. Strong arms, 20/20 eyesight, cool under pressure and a hit with the stewardesses. All the criteria met.
Q2. Have you ever broken something that didn’t belong to you worth more than a grand?
My dad lent me his £2500 Breitling watch when my much less expensive one was being repaired. During a particularly vigourous bout of air-drumming I managed to destroy the second-hand by bending it so much that it wouldn’t tick past the third increment in the watch. When my dad took it to the jewellers he was informed he had never in 40 years seen anyone manage to break a Breitling watch.
Q3. Have you ever ridden a bike backwards?
Down Nuns Acre when 9 years old. It was a particularly icey road and my brakes didn’t work but I thought it would be funny nonetheless. It wasn’t. I did a comedy back flip when I hit the kerb and landed on my head.
Q4. Ever been a have-a-go hero?
I have chased a burglar (unsurprisingly failed to catch) and on two separate occasions have told a drunken pikey to stop harassing a woman on a bus (and no it wasn’t Hedge).
Q5. Ever Fired a Gun?
BB Gun in a 4th year tutor group. It was allowed as part of the lesson and I shot one of my fellow pupils on the aris from point blank range.
Q6. Have you ever had a lapdance?
Tenerife, Ljubijana, Budapest, Berlin, Leicester, Bristol… JR has been sat not too far away for most of these so he will testify accordingly.
Q7. Ever gone more than two days without sleeping?
Bank holiday weekend with the missus…no sleep for the love machine.
Q8. Ever done a Number 2 in the great outdoors on purpose?
I was in the Scouts for 4 years. You were not only actively encouraged to take a barry outdoors but had to dig the hole first and fill it in after (literally). I’ve also taken a few accidental barry’s outdoors, just for good measure.
Q9. Ever built a wall?
I ain’t got time for building walls. I could be out drinking, playing cricket and saving women from the clutches of Butterfield. That’s what Largey and Dobsey are for.
Q10. Ever seen a porno that made you feel sick?
At last a question I can excel at. Two Japanese girls puking into each others mouths and the magazine version of Animal Farm (not the Orwell version) when I was 15.