Goring CC Bloke FINAL SCORES!! Pete “The Maestro” Slade vs. Will “The Beast” Smith

Here goes…both sets of answers are as you have seen before – but the points have been added and totaled to provide us with our Bloke Test 2010 Winner as announced last Friday at the Annual Dinner – all overseen by Judge Wincott…

 Q1. Could you fly a plane?

PS: I’ve never tried but I reckon I could! Used to spend a lot of time in my youth playing an arcade game called ‘Time Pilot’ which involved flying (and shooting)! 

WS: I reckon so. Strong arms, 20/20 eyesight, cool under pressure and a hit with the stewardesses. All the criteria met.

 PS: 1 points, WS: 0.5 points

 Q2. Have you ever broken something that didn’t belong to you worth more than a grand?

 PS: At school (under the influence of a small amount of alcohol) we drove a mail trolley along a train platform and hit the wooden column which supported the roof – the column broke and dislodged by about 6 inches – the station roof groaned – then our train arrived! – next time I was there the station had been refurbished and shiny, new metal columns were in place supporting the roof!

WS: My dad lent me his £2500 Breitling watch when my much less expensive one was being repaired. During a particularly vigourous bout of air-drumming I managed to destroy the second-hand by bending it so much that it wouldn’t tick past the third increment in the watch. When my dad took it to the jewellers he was informed he had never in 40 years seen anyone manage to break a Breitling watch.

PS:  0 points, WS: 0.5 points

Q3. Have you ever ridden a bike backwards?

 

PS: Not on purpose – but remember ‘reversing’ my new ‘Tomahawk’ (smaller version of the iconic Raleigh Chopper) down the hill I had just tried to cycle up and landing in a heap near the bottom. 

WS: Down Nuns Acre when 9 years old. It was a particularly icey road and my brakes didn’t work but I thought it would be funny nonetheless. It wasn’t. I did a comedy back flip when I hit the kerb and landed on my head.

 

PS:  0 points, WS: 1 points 

Q4. Ever been a have-a-go hero?

 

PS: Possibly on 2 occasions! First time was in Hawaiian (Poo-Na-Nas now) bar when I grabbed this bloke who was about to punch his ex girlfriend – he’d just been let out of prison that morning and was v. pissed – his ex girlfriend walked in (who was apparently partly responsible for his prison sentence in the first place!). 2nd time was trying to part a crowd in the Purple Turtle so my then girlfriend could get to the toilet. After a few polite enquiries I got a bit more chivalrous! Unfortunately the crowd turned out to be the Reading Chapter of the Hell’s Angels! The result was a headbutt to my nose and a lot of blood – coincidently there were Police nearby (outside) but unfortunately Danny (the owner of the Turtle) was mates with the Hell’s Angels so the incoming Police had no suspect as he’d been ushered out through the back door. 

WS: I have chased a burglar (unsurprisingly failed to catch) and on two separate occasions have told a drunken pikey to stop harassing a woman on a bus (and no it wasn’t Hedge). 

PS:  0.5 points, WS: 0.5 points

 

Q5. Ever Fired a Gun? 

PS: Yes – used to try to hit clay pigeons with a shot gun – not a very successful pursuit – my eyes can’t work out whether I’m left or right handed!!

Had an air rifle as a kid – acquired by means of confiscation from one of my Dad’s slightly nutty patients!! Spent a long time trying to kill pigeons (real ones with feathers) but never managed to.

 

WS: BB Gun in a 4th year tutor group. It was allowed as part of the lesson and I shot one of my fellow pupils on the aris from point blank range. 

PS:  0.5 points, WS: 0 points

 

Q6. Have you ever had a lapdance? 

PS: Yes – various stag weekends – not mine unfortunately as we were busy trying to stop one of my ‘guests’ killing/fighting with half of Blackpool in a nightclub.

 

WS: Tenerife, Ljubijana, Budapest, Berlin, Leicester, Bristol… JR has been sat not too far away for most of these so he will testify accordingly. 

PS:  1 points, WS: 1 points

 

Q7. Ever gone more then two days without sleeping?

 PS: Yes – Mexico 2000 – Volleyball trip where we decided we weren’t going to sleep at all! Didn’t last more than two days though as sleep deprivation kicked in – the solution was to only sleep between the hours of 9-11 am and pm. Thus, two 2 hour ‘power naps’ a day meant we infact had a fourteen ‘day’ holiday instead of 7 days. Both my eyes were completely bloodshot when I arrived back at Gatwick!

 

WS: Bank holiday weekend with the missus…no sleep for the love machine

 PS:  0 points, WS: 0 points

 

Q8. Ever done a Number 2 in the great outdoors on purpose? 

PS: Yes – when I went inter-railing (1986) we arrived in a Swedish train station very early one morning – rather than taking a bus ride to the camp site (which would have cost us about 50p) we decided to walk. 3 hours later we were still in the middle of nowhere as the big brown shark was knocking at the door. Nature took its course and a trip into the undergrowth was needed. Enough said!

 

WS: I was in the Scouts for 4 years. You were not only actively encouraged to take a barry outdoors but had to dig the hole first and fill it in after (literally). I’ve also taken a few accidental barry’s outdoors, just for good measure. 

PS: 1 points, WS: 1 points

 

Q9. Ever built a wall? 

PS: Yes – early summer 2010 – my former employer had seen fit to dispense with my services so I decided my time would be best spent re-building the dangerous wall in our garden to avoid flat children! Stage one (took about a day) involved a large sledgehammer – stage 2 took alot longer – it’s a modern-art take on a centuries old skill! It’s still standing though and it’s been at least 5 months since the official unveiling!

 

WS: I ain’t got time for building walls. I could be out drinking, playing cricket and saving women from the clutches of Butterfield. That’s what Largey and Dobsey are for. 

PS: 1 points, WS: 0 points

 

Q10. Ever seen a porno that made you feel sick?  

PS: No – although one of my (new) work colleagues keeps offering to lend me his recently acquired collection of DVDs purchased from America. So far I’ve managed to decline his kind and thoughtful offers.

 

WS: At last a question I can excel at. Two Japanese girls puking into each others mouths and the magazine version of Animal Farm (not the Orwell version) when I was 15. 

PS:  0 points, WS: 1 points

 

Judge Wincott COMMENT.  “Do not pray for easy lives. Pray to be stronger men” – John “Jack The Zipper” F Kennedy  

Less than the width of a betting slip separates these two men or men; 2000 thousand years ago they would have stood shoulder-to-shoulder with Maximus Decimus Meridius. But there can be only one Blokes’ Bloke …. please all rise for The Beast, Mr William Tarquin Smith III.

 Pete Slade: 5.0 Points

 Will Smith: 5.5 POINTS

The Beast accepted the award along with a bouquet of flowers, a bottle of Rose Champagne and a pink sash on Friday night, announcing “Bravo! Thank you darlings, I love you all – and hope to see you at Take That at the 02 next year” before jumping into his lilac Toyota Rav 4 Convertible Sport for a weekend away in Brighton to celebrate.

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