Winkers – a Grand Batsman?

It is said that a watched kettle will never boil, a watched hen will never lay and a watched Smith will never be out LBW. But how about a watched Wincott, will he reach the 1,000 run target for the 2011 season? It seemed an inevitability against IBIS Mapledurham with only 53 more needed, a sneeze for TW, however that was FIVE matches ago and with only 3 needed in this week’s Ultra’s victory, Goring’s visibly shaken batsman did not trouble the scorer, returning a zero, which does not get him any closer at all to the target. Not even ONE closer. Upswinger went on the hunt for some expert local opinion:

Duncan Kent, a 1,000 run-a-season veteran stated: “I’m sure he’ll get there, let’s face it he’ll look pretty stupid if he doesn’t! You used to have to average over 50 for your 1,000 total so to achieve it with an average of 22 is a great effort.”

Jayne Dean (JFTS): “All the helium balloons have deflated and we even got in a pool table to take his mind off it but nothing works. He just comes in looking grumpy, plays the fruit machine and doesn’t talk to anyone. He’s not himself at all.”

Pete Slade: “I hope he makes it. Do you think he might want some ‘Pimpmystumps’? Who is it again?”

Mas from Masoom’s: “I feel a bit responsible. All those mixed grills and Ferrero Rochers can’t have helped his speed between the wickets. I’m sure he’ll do it, anyone that finishes a whole dupiaza with chef’s special sauce cannot be called a quitter.”

Upswinger also contacted ex-player Mick Large (too upset still to speak) who famously was on 973 with 5 matches left and did not make it! Falling just 3 short… Yes Winkers, there’s that spooky 3 again!

Lost Consonants #43 : "Tiny Winky"

When asked about the situation Winkers stated: “To be honest I haven’t really thought about it at all, not a great deal. I didn’t know until I overheard it being mentioned and then I totted up the figures one day and again on my calculator and my PC and Anna’s abacus and on condensation in the bathroom mirror and my spaghetti numbers. The figures add up to 997 I think, but as I say it would be nice but I’m not concerned, each ball at a time, on its merits.”

And did he feel he should change anything?

Again, I haven’t given it a thought, but I know that if the boundaries had been brought in just 47.65 mm throughout the season I would have made it already. Also Barton has been doing some very dodgy scoring earlier in the season and I have sent the scorebook off for professional examination and a search for confused eraser evidence. But other than that as I say I haven’t given it a thought. Not at all.”

Is he feeling the pressure?

“At this level you can’t expect easy runs and I know that oppo teams are heavily researching our regularly updated stats website so they’ll be gunning for me as the Premier Batsman. Every player will raise his game against me as I am the big fish for them, the wicket to dine out on. This is all pressure but again I really haven’t given it a second thought…..Oh no….not at all…..especially doesn’t bother me at night when it’s quiet……..and dark.”

So best of luck Stephen, a celebration tomorrow no doubt. Just 3, that’s all it is…


3 responses to this post.

  1. Posted by Offside Maestro on August 19, 2011 at 12:08 pm

    “He just comes in looking grumpy, plays the fruit machine and doesn’t talk to anyone. He’s not himself at all.”

    I think you’ll find that’s Winkers to a T.


  2. GCC Play Cricket site says he has just 399 runs – do nets count too then?


  3. Posted by Offside Maestro on August 22, 2011 at 8:38 am

    “Just 399” ?!?! Pls don’t hesitate to mention “just” how many that is in front of the next highest.


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