Pipes Out!

A very British custom, and greatly overused yet unwritten rule of Golf Clubs up and down the country, the call of “Pipes Out” can be heard from Tee to Tee, in a cruel and mocking manner when a fellow golfer fails to drive the Ladies (or ‘Forward’ for the PC brigade) Tee.

The OC, finds his one ‘in-a-hole’

Certainly, at the Upswinger Invitational, a number of crudely dressed cricketers are routinely reported to be roaming the South Oxfordshire coutryside in search of little balls and far-flung clubs, with some in a further depleted state of dress, having failed to plunder their balls 20 yards forward, in search of an elusive hole in the ground!  A gentle warning to menfolk of Britain – the Ladies do not like this!

A Piper, yesterday.

In Scotland, however, “Pipes Out” has an altogether different meaning.  It is generally accepted that a Piper, whilst in an entirely odder manner of dress (or Skirt, some might say), will not be wearing any undergarment support – not even a Jock Strap (did you see what I did there…).  Legend has it that a Piper was once asked by a young lady if this was indeed true.  He invited her to check for herself, to which she explained “Its gruesome”.  The piper quickly retorted “Och Aye Lassie, touch it again, and it will grow some more” – he did indeed have his pipes out!  A gentle warning to the menfolk of Scotland – some lassies do actually like this!

Now, head back down to the West Country, where it is said Men are Men, and oft argued that Women are also indeed Men, “Pipes Out” takes on yet another meaning.  The Baccinostics, or Pipe Smoking Enthusiast in Olde Kernish Speke, is a hardened breed, face awashed with years of hard deep-sea trawling in the harsh unsheltered waters of the North Atlantic.  As the frantic to-ing and fro-ing of their vessels prevented them from packing and partaking in the smoking of their pipes, “Pipes Out” was the call from the Skipper that the boat was now headed back to the shelter of the home harbours, and they would soon be able to enjoy a good old puff on their whittled pipes.  A gentle warning to the good menfolk of Cornwall – some ladies do this!

A Gardiner – not as sad as he wants us to think!

But more importantly, and indeed much closer to home, with the wettest April on record, yet  reservoir levels supposedly at their lowest in nearly 30 years, we think Thames Water could do well to call in ‘Will Smith, Crime Scene Analyst’ (Remember him, from Gardiners World!) to find out just who exactly is stealing the water falling out of the sky, before it is reaching our garden taps!  However, in these dark days when we have to drive around in dirty cars (Be Good, Be Dirty!), and watch as our lovingly tended borders and rose beds wilt and wane in desperate want of some clear nectar from the gods, our hosepipes remain forlornly limp and tangled, unloved and unused – we are certainly not getting our “Pipes Out”.

Yet, I bring you the joyous, nay rapturous news that Upswinger knows of a man who will be getting his “Pipes Out” this year!  Step forward PJ Good Old Boy.  After minutes and minutes of intense negotiations, and the (literally) engrossed cost of two 2nd Class Stamps, GCC has been granted permission by Thames Water to mercilessly and gratuitously flout the ban* in order to allow PJ to continue in his selfless and tireless way, to continue to prepare the excellent GCC tracks for the 2012 summer.  A spokesman for Thames Water said they were delighted to help a community club like GCC, and an unamed Upswinger source reportedly said ‘Thanks’.  Thames Water added they wished we had contacted them earlier, as during the negotiations, it has rained!

*Not True – GCC promise to use water responsibly, and only when necessary, and so should you.



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