GCC Bloke Test 2017 : R1M3 : The Chairman vs. The Maestro

 

1. Have you EVER chosen a day/evening of sport over a day/evening with your girlfriend/wife? Discuss.

Chairman: Well yes I have – I’ve just reviewed my calendar for 2016 and identified 125 days last year when I was either playing or watching sport live, so many of those would have met that criteria. However, as you know I will never sacrifice Valentine’s Day – ¼ million people providing a plethora of abuse, plus appearances in The Sun and on TalkSport attest to that.

Maestro: Yes – most Saturdays in the Summer playing cricket – plus numerous cricket tours – one of which turned out well when I won enough money on a hand of bragg to afford to fly out to France for the 2nd week of (our) holiday!
Also entered an all day table football tournament when my other half was 8 months pregnant with our first child!

Points: Chairman = 0.5, Maestro = 1

2. Have you ever had a poo with someone else in the room?

Chairman: A few years ago I shared a poo with thousands of cricket fans at The Oval for a Sri Lanka ODI. Admittedly none of them entered the cubicle with me but it was my longest poo ever – after an alcohol fuelled first innings, I visited the loo 10 overs in to the Sri Lanka reply. Hours later I woke up, sat on the lav in a very quiet gents room and realised the game was finished and everyone else had gone home……Unfortunately, I was due to be at a wedding reception that evening that had already started…..in Henley….I can assure you a black cab from the Oval to Henley is not something I will be doing again.

Maestro: Yes – Goa mid 90s – went to the toilet in a restaurant (using the words ‘toilet’ and ‘restaurant’ loosely) where there was no door – people were happily walking by while I was sitting on a piece of wood with a hole in it! deposits dropped bout 10 feet to the ground below where there were some pigs enjoying the gifts from heaven!

Points: What sort of sicko comes up with these questions?! Bacon sandwiches will never taste the same again. Chairman = 0, Maestro = 1

3. Ever impersonated a policeman?

Chairman: Only a couple of weeks ago I tried to be a have a go hero on the train back from Reading. I was sat in an empty carriage with a couple in their 50’s on the seats opposite. He went to the loo and then shortly afterwards a bloke in his 20’s sat down, looked dirtily at the lady and tapped her leg and asked her if she was alright, then just stared at her. Sensing the danger I said to him “mate you should probably move on, her husband is just about to come out of the loo”….the guy promptly pissed himself and said “I don’t think he’ll mind, that’s my dad”!!

Maestro: No – real men don’t cause the police ag – although I was involved in a citizens arrest once – 4 of us held down a violent drunkard (who was trying to beat up his girlfriend) until the police arrived – does that count?

Points: Chairman = 1, Maestro = 1.
4. “It was a case of mistaken identity” – describe an injustice in your life when this phrase was most relevant.

Chairman: I was once accused very vocally of being a gippo and think it was a gross injustice…..the story goes that a small group of us were going to Newbury Racecourses on a stag do and naturally had a few tinnies on the train up. When we disembarked, one of the group (not me) had failed to keep up so there was an unopen can of Stella left over. Knowing we would not be able to take it in, I deposited it in the platform bin. Returning back to the train station after the races, we were becoming frustrated and thirsty by the long wait for the train…..I suddenly had a brain-wave – headed over to the opposite platform, looked in the bin, shouted over to my friends “look what I’ve found” and started drinking the final can of Stella. This resulted instantaneously in 400 drunk racegoers chanting ‘gippo’ at me from across the platform and my fellow stags disowning me.

Maestro: Auckland 1997 – two heavy set Maori gentlemen mistook me for a drug dealer – after what seemed like hours (was probably only a few minutes – I’d had a few beers) the ordeal was over – no harm down but I felt their aggressive questioning technique was unnecessary!

Points: Chairman = 0.5, Maestro = 0.5

5. If you had to have a(nother) tattoo – what would it be of and where would you have it?

Chairman: I’m not a fan of tattoos, so would never have them. If I was forced to at gunpoint, I would go for GCC across my forearm so that the logo was visible for every delivery I faced / catch I took. Talking of GCC a few months ago I saw a car with the registration GCC 1 – I think I will make it my life’s ambition to hunt that plate down.

Maestro: GCC tattoo – top of arm.

Points: Chairman = 1, Maestro = 1. The Chairman’s explanation of when his tattoo would be visible leads me to think we could play cricket with him for 20 years and never know he had ink.
6. What caused your most impressive, accidental scar?

Chairman: Cricket! We were at Westward Ho! on our 2013 Devon Tour and I was fielding in the deep in front of the pavilion in the last few overs of the match. A steepler came my way, I set myself nicely ready to take the catch and the ball slipped right through my hands in to my face. Cue a dash to A&E at Bideford to get the damage attended to, which luckily was done quick enough so that I could get back to The Bell to get on it again. The person who got the biggest shock was Alethea, who nearly fainted when I phoned her from A&E, just a month short of our wedding to tell her that I was having my chin glued back together…..

Maestro: I am mostly ‘accidental scar’ free – but I do have a scar just above my right eye following an altercation with a seeing as a child (swing not swinger!)

Points: Chairman = 0.5, Maestro = 0

7. What was the last item of food you purchased in a coffee shop?

Chairman: Fiery Ginger Beer from our very own Village Cafe

Maestro: Chocolate Brownie (not for me)

Points: Chairman = 1, Maestro = 0.5

8. What was the last text message received from a member of the opposite sex? (No explanation needed or requested here)

Chairman: Thank you!!! Had a good a day as you can have at work in tax! Haha I so cant’ wait to meet little moo next weekend she looks absolutely adorable and I have a few squeezes saved up for her xx

Maestro: Absolutely!! Tx

Points: Chairman = 0.5, Maestro = 0.5

9. What’s the first thing you do in the morning?

Chairman: Put TalkSport on my wireless headphones and go back to sleep – snoring soundly while my wife and daughter struggle to get back to sleep having been woken by my alarm.

Maestro: Urinate.

Points: Chairman = 0.5, Maestro = 1. A solid pair of answers here. But as all real men know, being a man means prostate challenges and frequent trips to the john.
10. Provide the most “blokiest” photo from your phone.

Chairman:

chairman.jpg

Maestro:

maestro

Points: Chairman = minus 1, Maestro = 1” more likely.
Judge Wincott Summing up:

On paper a battle of two of Goring’s big beasts. But anyone who has been called out on twitter with #findjonnystesticles and “Kill yourself immediately Jonathan. Save anymore unnecessary embarrassment for you or your football club” by random members of the public must understand they have no place in The Docker’s First pubic house. The Maestro reigns supreme.

 

…AND THE WINNER IS: CHAIRMAN = 4.5 POINTS VS. MAESTRO = 7.5 POINTS

 

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