GCC Bloke Test 2017: SEMI1 : Matt vs. ADAM

1.Carol Vorderman, Kirsty Allsopp, Karren Brady – Shag/Marry/Avoid? Explain yourself.

Matt: Shag Carol Vorderman; no doubt a wealth of experience in the bedroom which could prove exciting but not marriage material on the count I find her incredibly grating, no thanks. Marry Karren Brady; extremely wealthy and also a big football fan, not a bad combination. Avoid Kirsty Allsopp; unlucky to miss out as she is probably the nicest of the three but since when has that got anyone anywhere. 

Adam: I want break down the reasoning for my answers here wisely, hopefully you will understand my reasoning;

Firstly I’d shag all of them…

Vorders… bit of hot totty but sometimes can try too hard to impress, would be a good shag though…?

Allsopp… good with her hands..(all her arts and crafts she does) ,, a woman that’s good with her hands is not a bad thing, also got big knockers and big lips, you catch my drift..?

Brady… very dominant woman, knows what she wants and I could take early retirement and watch the Hammers , out of cricket season of course! Also a woman that works hard plays hard!

So,,,, to pick from the list would have to be;

Shag – tough one this it’s a toss up between Vorders and Allsopp …. Vorders is the winner on this one, is she a bit of a secret nymph ,, I think so…?

Marry – also another difficult one here, with vorders out of the equation it leaves Allsopp and Brady… personally knitting and crafts and speaking about how many rooms a house has is f**king boring… this outshines the big tits and her abilities with her hands and big lips ,,, so for me I’d marry Brady. You’d have more of a laugh with Brady and work seriousness stays as work, I’d imagine Brady to be up for it…

Avoid – I’m sorry Kirsty, difficult one but send us a pic of your tits!?

This question seems likely to have resulted in some one-handed typing. Avoid shaking hands with either combatant for the next few days. Points: Matt = 1, Adam = 1

2. What’s the strangest thing you’ve eaten abroad?

Matt: Not particularly outrageous but ate a whole baby octopus in Hong Kong recently. Chewy.

Adam: Ive eaten many of strange things abroad, we won’t go into the lads holidays to Magaluf in too much detail but when it gets past 3am and you still haven’t pulled , the competition is on …. “pull a pig”

In terms of eating proper food abroad, I say “proper” lightly, I now know what cat tastes like , and it doesn’t taste like duck as it was advertised on the menu, and rat for that matter! We ordered a ‘duck’ red Penang in Thailand, Koh Samui a couple of years back and the cat that we’d been feeding for the entire stay at our resort which we fed normally on a daily basis we saw get ‘collared’ and chauffeured promptly into the kitchen by the scruff of its neck…I’m guessing they’d run out of duck! When our ‘duck’ Penang was brought out to us, we noted that it looked more pale than duck should and more like a turkey/beef look?… very odd! But tasty ha!

I’d also say that raw Jelly Fish is quite quirky, it’s not recommended as it tastes a little like rubber bands, it was only the Szechuan sesame sauce that you could taste, I wouldn’t order again in a hurry…

I can confirm eating jellyfish is indeed like a chewing a rubber band. Points: Matt = 0, Adam = 1


3. Who is your cricketing hero and why?

Matt: Jacques Kallis, the greatest all-rounder ever. Don’t need to say anything more.

Adam: This one is easy, the legend that is Freddie Flintoff; proper northern lad that played for my local team Lytham St. Anne’s also likes a good drink all in all a top bloke !!

Completely appropriate heroes. Points: Matt = 1, Adam = 1


4. Who is the funniest comedian you’ve seen live on stage?

Matt: Only been to one comedy gala so didn’t quite catch them in full swing but Sean Lock was pretty good as he usually is.

Adam: Jimmy Carr is the only comedian I’ve seen live and my god he is brutal, touches on very , very close to the wire, borderline comedy although very funny and fantastic at dealing with hecklers, a classic mum joke fired back to a paying spectator is always priceless!

Check out YouTube for Jimmy Carr’s Best Ever Response to a Heckle!  Points: Matt = 0.5 , Adam = 0.


5. Which curry do you typically order?

Matt: Chicken bhuna – saucy, mildly spicy and bloody good

Adam: I do like a good Chicken Pathia, a nice mid range spice level with hints of sweet and spice, although personally I like a nose dripper too.. I’d always order a Vindaloo to share with Amy we like it hot!

A nose dripper?! An interesting, if not entirely appetising, alternatively on the 1-2-3 chillies heat- indicator. Make it happen Massooms.  Points: Matt=0.5 , Adam=0.5

6. What is your favourite James Bond gadget?

Matt: Not really a James Bond fan if I’m honest.. But I have heard that he has some kind of x-ray glasses that enable him to check out girls in their underwear though, which sounds useful.

Adam: Not a massive James Bond fan personally, but I do like a Jet Pack, they’re pretty cool! I also like the thought of an ejector seat as there’s times in meetings where the client is really boring me and I could do with a quick escape, enter the jet pack!

Not James Bond fans!?!? Prefer a bit of Pride or Prejudice do you?  No points. Zero. Points: Matt=0 , Adam=0

7. What was the best birthday or Christmas present you ever received?

Matt: Got some pretty decent stereo speakers when I was 18 which were invaluable through university and nearly six years later they’re still going strong by forcing my questionable music choices onto others.

Adam: I remember getting my first ever home computer and it was mine! What a top Christmas present, this lead to getting Internet in the house and as a young ‘bloke’ I could surf the net for whatever I wanted! Although chatting to girls on MSN messenger and requesting web cam was much more real that looking at adult sites as this was real life! Finding print screen was also good as getting the girls to “get them out” was ingenious and you could store them for a rainy day!

Nothing manly here. Base guitar?  Workbench?  Socks (plain black or gray only)?  Old Spice? Matt=0 , Adam=0


 8. Where do you get your haircut?

Matt: Anywhere for around £10. I have no loyalties.

Adam: I’ll probably lose this point as I get my hair cut in Marlow at Brothers, costs a fair bit but the late lunch options afterwards are always great, so many eatery choices!

Brothers (part of the Aveda Salons group) tag line is “dedicated positive inspired” and a Gents Cut & Finish (answers on a postcard) is a minimum of £26.50.  Good news from Aveda though: the Nano Keratin Blow Dry is now available at all salons. Points: Matt= 1 , Adam= 0 (and damn close to a minus).


9. What (or who) is under your bed right now?

 Matt: Not been home for a while but when I left it was just some old uni books and papers, my cricket gear and often a sleeping cat.

Adam: Currently no one or nothing – but I do have a funny story about something found under my bed when I had moved out of the family home!… I had a double bed divan with a couple of sliding doors for storage… I moved out when I was 20 although when I lived at home I had a Liverpool FC rug next to my bed , upon arriving back at home from a pub golf evening with the football lads when I was 16 (using a mates ID) I spewed up whilst in my sleep, thankfully my mum did the motherly thing , undressed me , changed my sick bed linen and put me back to bed and back to sleep in a nice fresh bed! As the alcohol continued to leave my body in the form of vomit whilst asleep I managed to wake up in another pool of sick in the now not very clean fresh bed linen , knowing I’d be in massive shit with my mum I decided to scrape the sick off my bed and roll it up in my Liverpool FC rug ,, I rolled it up put it to the back of my storage under my bed and drifted pleasantly back off to sleep! Forgetting all about the rolled up rug  …. 4 years later, when my mum was packing up my stuff (after I’d moved out) my mum found the rug … to say she wasn’t pleased was an understatement!!!

I can think of no better use for Shitpool memorabilia. Points: Matt = 1, Adam = 1

10. Provide a screen shot of your recent internet browsing or search term history





Excellent search results here though surprised that the words Hacked and Frappening are not included in Matt’s browsing history. Points: Matt = 1, Adam = 1


…AND THE WINNER IS: Matt: 5 points and Adam: 5 points

Judge Wincott Summing up: A hung jury ! Nothing to separate these two looking at the bare numbers but one answer stands out above all others: the patronage of a ladies’ hair salon. Completely unacceptable. Just thinking about it is giving me that feeling you get when aluminium foil ends up on filling. No tabloid newspaper. No jar of strange blue liquid. No “Something for the weekend, Sir”.  No red and white pole and vinyl upholstered chairs.  Be gone Ellis: Strictly Come Dancing is on TV this evening.  The wiener is Matt Norman.






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