GCC BLOKE TEST 2017 Semi 2: RTJ vs. The Maestro

  1. Carol Vorderman, Kirsty Allsopp, Karren Brady – Shag/Marry/Avoid? Explain yourself.

RTJ: Vorderman would definitely be my marry. I’d like to watch her solve countdown maths problems in her fancy dresses for the end of time. Alsopp is my avoid because I didn’t know who she was, until I googled her – the recommended search was Kirstie Alsopp Moustache … no thanks. That leaves Karen Brady as my shag – hopefully she could get me a job at West Ham. Having said that, she sold her husband (a footballer) twice, so maybe she has no loyalty…

Maestro: Vorderman – Shag – met her and Richard Whitely in Reading Broad street Mall (early 1990s) – they were doing some kind of promotion – can’t remember what for – I guess it was Countdown related!!

Allsopp – Marry – a bundle of fun and probably pretty down to earth (as long as she didn’t talk about arts and crafts and up cycling!)

Brady – avoid – would be very annoying and talk about ‘strong women’ all the time – oh and The Apprentice and Birmingham City and Paul Peschisolido etc etc etc

How can anyone not know who the Allsopp is? Its akin to when the PM is asked what the price of a loaf of bread is and s/he replies 25p. Real blokes need to have a understanding of the real world – not just where to find the quails egg spoons and how many words their family entry in DeBretts runs to. Points: RTJ=0, Maestro=1.

  1. What’s the strangest thing you’ve eaten abroad?

RTJ: I don’t put strange things in my mouth, thank you very much.

Maestro: Guinea pig – in Ecuador – 2001 – on honeymoon was intrigued by the guinea pig spit roasts in most of the restaurants/street food vendors.

If you are already thinking about spit-roasting on your honeymoon, it does not bode well for the future. However, solid answers here. Points: RTJ=1 , Maestro=1

  1. Who is your cricketing hero and why?

RTJ: Jonty Rhodes – run outs are literally the only stat that I have good numbers in, so I’ve got to go for the best fielder ever – even though I never saw him play.

Maestro: Ian Botham – Legend – Ashes 1981 – see one of my favourite pieces of sporting memorabilia below – enough said.


Real men need to be able to plough their own furrow not follow the herd. Points: RTJ=1, Maestro=0


  1. Who is the funniest comedian you’ve seen live on stage?

RTJ: Paul Sinha (from the tv show, The Chase). I made the mistake of tweeting at him before going to the show saying “excited to be seeing Paul sinha this evening” or something like that. He didn’t respond, but little did I know, he did some stalking of my twitter account and by googling my name, he found my play cricket page . Proceeded to make a joke about how he was very excited to meet someone in the crowd that night, and rattled off a few of my bowling stats before calling me out. Horrifically embarrassing, but also thoroughly amusing.

Maestro: Jethro – Reading hexagon about 10 years ago – solid west country comedy – and a bit rude!

Limp answers across this question during both Semis. I was looking forward to tales of seeing Bangin’ with Manning (Blackpool Central Pier c1986) or Boobs in the Wood with Jim Davidson.  Points: RTJ=0, Maestro=0

5. Which curry do you typically order?

RTJ: Madras or Jahlfrezi, but it depends where I’m ordering from. If it’s a dodgy street vendor, I might go a little safer. With Masooms, i’m probably going to feel it the next day anyway, so I can afford to go for something a little out there.

Maestro: I like a dupiaza – Ideally King prawn but have also been known to have a shaslik (chicken not lamb) – I do not see curry eating as a competitive sport therefore very spicy hot curries are not in my repertoire. (I reckon RTJ will choose a phall or jalfrezi)

The ability to read others is a great skill for any real bloke re. WAG management tactics/weekend cricket availability. Points: RTJ=0.5, Maestro=1

  1. What is your favourite James Bond gadget?

RTJ: The crocodile submarine/boat/disguise thing from Octopussy. Not only is it ridiculous, but I got to say Octopussy.

Maestro: Odd Job’s razor rimmed bowler hat – used as a ninja throwing hat to decapitate people/statues/etc

Strong, strong choices here. Personally I always liked the magnetic watch designed to pull down dress zips (certainly a more valuable use of Government resources than the Cones’ Hotline). Points: RTJ=1 , Maestro=1

  1. What was the best birthday or Christmas present you ever received?

RTJ: I got my first job offer 5 days before my birthday, so I always thought of that as a present. Plus, to celebrate, I went out and bought myself a PlayStation, so that was nice too.

Maestro: Difficult one to answer!! Probably a Garlando G500 table football table – not new but nevertheless in mint condition – came with added bonus of Barenherz magic yellow pro tournament balls.

Underlying currents here of a child who always viewed his brother as the chosen one. I foresee a family massacre in the offing. Points: RTJ=0, Maestro=1


  1. Where do you get your haircut?

RTJ: Pangbourne Turkish Barbers.

Maestro: Castle Street Barbers – no frills – short back and sides – competitively priced – sometimes has an attractive (emo style!) eastern European girl working there – haven’t worked out her hours though so can’t guarantee to be trimmed by her.

Excellent answers. Not even a hint of Brothers of Marlow (part of the Aveda Salons group). Points: RTJ=1 , Maestro=1

  1. What (or who) is under your bed right now?


RTJ: Various electronics, probably some old Pokemon cards, a few contact lenses and a signed, framed (and cracked) photo of Thierry Henry

Maestro: 9 pairs of boxer shorts

12 pairs of socks

5 pairs of shorts

1 pair of cricket (box) shorts

15 pairs of knickers

6 bras

1 packet of wax hair removal strips

3 marbles (1 x clear, 1 x fairy & 1 x queen)

1 lego square (4×4)

1 cat (tortoise shell – alive)

1 IPhone charger lead – lost for over a month – Thank you!

6 bras …. hmmmm. Black, white, red (for the weekend), underwired, push-up and strapless. No space for a peephole there then.  I am however, interested in the challenge of marbles instead of ping pong balls. Points: RTJ=0.5, Maestro=0.5

  1. Provide a screen shot of your recent internet browsing or search term history






Seriously, not one reference to matters of erotica? Over two semis? Data management appears to have taken over here.  Points: RTJ=0 , Maestro=0

Judge Wincott Summing up: An enjoyable challenge this one; both have done well to reach Semis, particularly the Maestro at his age. Excellent choices on Bond gadgets and a deep understanding of what is acceptable in the world of haircuts shows both were deserving semi finalists. However, there can be only one winner …. AND THE WINNER IS: RTJ 5 POINTS VS MAESTRO 6.5 POINTS



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