GCC BLOKE TEST 2017 Semi 2: RTJ vs. The Maestro

  1. Carol Vorderman, Kirsty Allsopp, Karren Brady – Shag/Marry/Avoid? Explain yourself.

RTJ: Vorderman would definitely be my marry. I’d like to watch her solve countdown maths problems in her fancy dresses for the end of time. Alsopp is my avoid because I didn’t know who she was, until I googled her – the recommended search was Kirstie Alsopp Moustache … no thanks. That leaves Karen Brady as my shag – hopefully she could get me a job at West Ham. Having said that, she sold her husband (a footballer) twice, so maybe she has no loyalty…

Maestro: Vorderman – Shag – met her and Richard Whitely in Reading Broad street Mall (early 1990s) – they were doing some kind of promotion – can’t remember what for – I guess it was Countdown related!!

Allsopp – Marry – a bundle of fun and probably pretty down to earth (as long as she didn’t talk about arts and crafts and up cycling!)

Brady – avoid – would be very annoying and talk about ‘strong women’ all the time – oh and The Apprentice and Birmingham City and Paul Peschisolido etc etc etc

How can anyone not know who the Allsopp is? Its akin to when the PM is asked what the price of a loaf of bread is and s/he replies 25p. Real blokes need to have a understanding of the real world – not just where to find the quails egg spoons and how many words their family entry in DeBretts runs to. Points: RTJ=0, Maestro=1.

  1. What’s the strangest thing you’ve eaten abroad?

RTJ: I don’t put strange things in my mouth, thank you very much.

Maestro: Guinea pig – in Ecuador – 2001 – on honeymoon was intrigued by the guinea pig spit roasts in most of the restaurants/street food vendors.

If you are already thinking about spit-roasting on your honeymoon, it does not bode well for the future. However, solid answers here. Points: RTJ=1 , Maestro=1

  1. Who is your cricketing hero and why?

RTJ: Jonty Rhodes – run outs are literally the only stat that I have good numbers in, so I’ve got to go for the best fielder ever – even though I never saw him play.

Maestro: Ian Botham – Legend – Ashes 1981 – see one of my favourite pieces of sporting memorabilia below – enough said.

bat

Real men need to be able to plough their own furrow not follow the herd. Points: RTJ=1, Maestro=0

 

  1. Who is the funniest comedian you’ve seen live on stage?

RTJ: Paul Sinha (from the tv show, The Chase). I made the mistake of tweeting at him before going to the show saying “excited to be seeing Paul sinha this evening” or something like that. He didn’t respond, but little did I know, he did some stalking of my twitter account and by googling my name, he found my play cricket page . Proceeded to make a joke about how he was very excited to meet someone in the crowd that night, and rattled off a few of my bowling stats before calling me out. Horrifically embarrassing, but also thoroughly amusing.

Maestro: Jethro – Reading hexagon about 10 years ago – solid west country comedy – and a bit rude!

Limp answers across this question during both Semis. I was looking forward to tales of seeing Bangin’ with Manning (Blackpool Central Pier c1986) or Boobs in the Wood with Jim Davidson.  Points: RTJ=0, Maestro=0

5. Which curry do you typically order?

RTJ: Madras or Jahlfrezi, but it depends where I’m ordering from. If it’s a dodgy street vendor, I might go a little safer. With Masooms, i’m probably going to feel it the next day anyway, so I can afford to go for something a little out there.

Maestro: I like a dupiaza – Ideally King prawn but have also been known to have a shaslik (chicken not lamb) – I do not see curry eating as a competitive sport therefore very spicy hot curries are not in my repertoire. (I reckon RTJ will choose a phall or jalfrezi)

The ability to read others is a great skill for any real bloke re. WAG management tactics/weekend cricket availability. Points: RTJ=0.5, Maestro=1

  1. What is your favourite James Bond gadget?

RTJ: The crocodile submarine/boat/disguise thing from Octopussy. Not only is it ridiculous, but I got to say Octopussy.

Maestro: Odd Job’s razor rimmed bowler hat – used as a ninja throwing hat to decapitate people/statues/etc

Strong, strong choices here. Personally I always liked the magnetic watch designed to pull down dress zips (certainly a more valuable use of Government resources than the Cones’ Hotline). Points: RTJ=1 , Maestro=1

  1. What was the best birthday or Christmas present you ever received?

RTJ: I got my first job offer 5 days before my birthday, so I always thought of that as a present. Plus, to celebrate, I went out and bought myself a PlayStation, so that was nice too.

Maestro: Difficult one to answer!! Probably a Garlando G500 table football table – not new but nevertheless in mint condition – came with added bonus of Barenherz magic yellow pro tournament balls.

Underlying currents here of a child who always viewed his brother as the chosen one. I foresee a family massacre in the offing. Points: RTJ=0, Maestro=1

 

  1. Where do you get your haircut?

RTJ: Pangbourne Turkish Barbers.

Maestro: Castle Street Barbers – no frills – short back and sides – competitively priced – sometimes has an attractive (emo style!) eastern European girl working there – haven’t worked out her hours though so can’t guarantee to be trimmed by her.

Excellent answers. Not even a hint of Brothers of Marlow (part of the Aveda Salons group). Points: RTJ=1 , Maestro=1

  1. What (or who) is under your bed right now?

 

RTJ: Various electronics, probably some old Pokemon cards, a few contact lenses and a signed, framed (and cracked) photo of Thierry Henry

Maestro: 9 pairs of boxer shorts

12 pairs of socks

5 pairs of shorts

1 pair of cricket (box) shorts

15 pairs of knickers

6 bras

1 packet of wax hair removal strips

3 marbles (1 x clear, 1 x fairy & 1 x queen)

1 lego square (4×4)

1 cat (tortoise shell – alive)

1 IPhone charger lead – lost for over a month – Thank you!

6 bras …. hmmmm. Black, white, red (for the weekend), underwired, push-up and strapless. No space for a peephole there then.  I am however, interested in the challenge of marbles instead of ping pong balls. Points: RTJ=0.5, Maestro=0.5

  1. Provide a screen shot of your recent internet browsing or search term history

RTJ:

RTJ

 

Maestro:

Maestro

Seriously, not one reference to matters of erotica? Over two semis? Data management appears to have taken over here.  Points: RTJ=0 , Maestro=0

Judge Wincott Summing up: An enjoyable challenge this one; both have done well to reach Semis, particularly the Maestro at his age. Excellent choices on Bond gadgets and a deep understanding of what is acceptable in the world of haircuts shows both were deserving semi finalists. However, there can be only one winner …. AND THE WINNER IS: RTJ 5 POINTS VS MAESTRO 6.5 POINTS

 

Advertisements

GCC Bloke Test 2017: SEMI1 : Matt vs. ADAM

1.Carol Vorderman, Kirsty Allsopp, Karren Brady – Shag/Marry/Avoid? Explain yourself.

Matt: Shag Carol Vorderman; no doubt a wealth of experience in the bedroom which could prove exciting but not marriage material on the count I find her incredibly grating, no thanks. Marry Karren Brady; extremely wealthy and also a big football fan, not a bad combination. Avoid Kirsty Allsopp; unlucky to miss out as she is probably the nicest of the three but since when has that got anyone anywhere. 

Adam: I want break down the reasoning for my answers here wisely, hopefully you will understand my reasoning;

Firstly I’d shag all of them…

Vorders… bit of hot totty but sometimes can try too hard to impress, would be a good shag though…?

Allsopp… good with her hands..(all her arts and crafts she does) ,, a woman that’s good with her hands is not a bad thing, also got big knockers and big lips, you catch my drift..?

Brady… very dominant woman, knows what she wants and I could take early retirement and watch the Hammers , out of cricket season of course! Also a woman that works hard plays hard!

So,,,, to pick from the list would have to be;

Shag – tough one this it’s a toss up between Vorders and Allsopp …. Vorders is the winner on this one, is she a bit of a secret nymph ,, I think so…?

Marry – also another difficult one here, with vorders out of the equation it leaves Allsopp and Brady… personally knitting and crafts and speaking about how many rooms a house has is f**king boring… this outshines the big tits and her abilities with her hands and big lips ,,, so for me I’d marry Brady. You’d have more of a laugh with Brady and work seriousness stays as work, I’d imagine Brady to be up for it…

Avoid – I’m sorry Kirsty, difficult one but send us a pic of your tits!?

This question seems likely to have resulted in some one-handed typing. Avoid shaking hands with either combatant for the next few days. Points: Matt = 1, Adam = 1


2. What’s the strangest thing you’ve eaten abroad?

Matt: Not particularly outrageous but ate a whole baby octopus in Hong Kong recently. Chewy.

Adam: Ive eaten many of strange things abroad, we won’t go into the lads holidays to Magaluf in too much detail but when it gets past 3am and you still haven’t pulled , the competition is on …. “pull a pig”

In terms of eating proper food abroad, I say “proper” lightly, I now know what cat tastes like , and it doesn’t taste like duck as it was advertised on the menu, and rat for that matter! We ordered a ‘duck’ red Penang in Thailand, Koh Samui a couple of years back and the cat that we’d been feeding for the entire stay at our resort which we fed normally on a daily basis we saw get ‘collared’ and chauffeured promptly into the kitchen by the scruff of its neck…I’m guessing they’d run out of duck! When our ‘duck’ Penang was brought out to us, we noted that it looked more pale than duck should and more like a turkey/beef look?… very odd! But tasty ha!

I’d also say that raw Jelly Fish is quite quirky, it’s not recommended as it tastes a little like rubber bands, it was only the Szechuan sesame sauce that you could taste, I wouldn’t order again in a hurry…

I can confirm eating jellyfish is indeed like a chewing a rubber band. Points: Matt = 0, Adam = 1

 

3. Who is your cricketing hero and why?

Matt: Jacques Kallis, the greatest all-rounder ever. Don’t need to say anything more.

Adam: This one is easy, the legend that is Freddie Flintoff; proper northern lad that played for my local team Lytham St. Anne’s also likes a good drink all in all a top bloke !!

Completely appropriate heroes. Points: Matt = 1, Adam = 1

 

4. Who is the funniest comedian you’ve seen live on stage?

Matt: Only been to one comedy gala so didn’t quite catch them in full swing but Sean Lock was pretty good as he usually is.

Adam: Jimmy Carr is the only comedian I’ve seen live and my god he is brutal, touches on very , very close to the wire, borderline comedy although very funny and fantastic at dealing with hecklers, a classic mum joke fired back to a paying spectator is always priceless!

Check out YouTube for Jimmy Carr’s Best Ever Response to a Heckle!  Points: Matt = 0.5 , Adam = 0.

 

5. Which curry do you typically order?

Matt: Chicken bhuna – saucy, mildly spicy and bloody good

Adam: I do like a good Chicken Pathia, a nice mid range spice level with hints of sweet and spice, although personally I like a nose dripper too.. I’d always order a Vindaloo to share with Amy we like it hot!

A nose dripper?! An interesting, if not entirely appetising, alternatively on the 1-2-3 chillies heat- indicator. Make it happen Massooms.  Points: Matt=0.5 , Adam=0.5

6. What is your favourite James Bond gadget?

Matt: Not really a James Bond fan if I’m honest.. But I have heard that he has some kind of x-ray glasses that enable him to check out girls in their underwear though, which sounds useful.

Adam: Not a massive James Bond fan personally, but I do like a Jet Pack, they’re pretty cool! I also like the thought of an ejector seat as there’s times in meetings where the client is really boring me and I could do with a quick escape, enter the jet pack!

Not James Bond fans!?!? Prefer a bit of Pride or Prejudice do you?  No points. Zero. Points: Matt=0 , Adam=0


7. What was the best birthday or Christmas present you ever received?

Matt: Got some pretty decent stereo speakers when I was 18 which were invaluable through university and nearly six years later they’re still going strong by forcing my questionable music choices onto others.

Adam: I remember getting my first ever home computer and it was mine! What a top Christmas present, this lead to getting Internet in the house and as a young ‘bloke’ I could surf the net for whatever I wanted! Although chatting to girls on MSN messenger and requesting web cam was much more real that looking at adult sites as this was real life! Finding print screen was also good as getting the girls to “get them out” was ingenious and you could store them for a rainy day!

Nothing manly here. Base guitar?  Workbench?  Socks (plain black or gray only)?  Old Spice? Matt=0 , Adam=0

 

 8. Where do you get your haircut?

Matt: Anywhere for around £10. I have no loyalties.

Adam: I’ll probably lose this point as I get my hair cut in Marlow at Brothers, costs a fair bit but the late lunch options afterwards are always great, so many eatery choices!

Brothers (part of the Aveda Salons group) tag line is “dedicated positive inspired” and a Gents Cut & Finish (answers on a postcard) is a minimum of £26.50.  Good news from Aveda though: the Nano Keratin Blow Dry is now available at all salons. Points: Matt= 1 , Adam= 0 (and damn close to a minus).

 

9. What (or who) is under your bed right now?

 Matt: Not been home for a while but when I left it was just some old uni books and papers, my cricket gear and often a sleeping cat.

Adam: Currently no one or nothing – but I do have a funny story about something found under my bed when I had moved out of the family home!… I had a double bed divan with a couple of sliding doors for storage… I moved out when I was 20 although when I lived at home I had a Liverpool FC rug next to my bed , upon arriving back at home from a pub golf evening with the football lads when I was 16 (using a mates ID) I spewed up whilst in my sleep, thankfully my mum did the motherly thing , undressed me , changed my sick bed linen and put me back to bed and back to sleep in a nice fresh bed! As the alcohol continued to leave my body in the form of vomit whilst asleep I managed to wake up in another pool of sick in the now not very clean fresh bed linen , knowing I’d be in massive shit with my mum I decided to scrape the sick off my bed and roll it up in my Liverpool FC rug ,, I rolled it up put it to the back of my storage under my bed and drifted pleasantly back off to sleep! Forgetting all about the rolled up rug  …. 4 years later, when my mum was packing up my stuff (after I’d moved out) my mum found the rug … to say she wasn’t pleased was an understatement!!!

I can think of no better use for Shitpool memorabilia. Points: Matt = 1, Adam = 1

10. Provide a screen shot of your recent internet browsing or search term history

Matt:

 matt.png

Adam:

adam

Excellent search results here though surprised that the words Hacked and Frappening are not included in Matt’s browsing history. Points: Matt = 1, Adam = 1

 

…AND THE WINNER IS: Matt: 5 points and Adam: 5 points

Judge Wincott Summing up: A hung jury ! Nothing to separate these two looking at the bare numbers but one answer stands out above all others: the patronage of a ladies’ hair salon. Completely unacceptable. Just thinking about it is giving me that feeling you get when aluminium foil ends up on filling. No tabloid newspaper. No jar of strange blue liquid. No “Something for the weekend, Sir”.  No red and white pole and vinyl upholstered chairs.  Be gone Ellis: Strictly Come Dancing is on TV this evening.  The wiener is Matt Norman.

 

 

 

 

GCC Bloke Test 2017: R1M4 : Tom vs. Matt

1. What is the perfect pizza topping?

Tom: Something fairly simple, with as little ponce as possible! Ham or salami, olives, mushrooms and a simple base. La reine probably if grabbing a quick bite or a Rucola from Avanti in Wally if having a nice meal!

Matt: Tandoori chicken, ground beef, jalapenos, peppers and onions with a BBQ base.

Points: Tom = 0.5, Matt = 0.0 If you want BBQ flavour have a BBQ like a real bloke would.

2. “I thought I was going to drown” – describe your scariest swimming incident.

Tom: Swimming and I have a similar relationship to Winker’s intestines and curries – it’s enjoyable for the most part but there is always something heinous waiting to rear its head, I therefore have two tales.
My most worrying experience was with my now wife swimming in Katherine Gorge in Australia. I was delayed getting into the water due to quaffing a ‘goon-bag’ of red the night before and needing to re-paint the inside of a toilet, whilst Katie and the rest of the tour group swam out. While I was engaged blowing chunks my heroic wife went on to keep a 6ft, 14 stone, chap from drowning as he had a panic attack 250 m out from the shore, at this point I got in. Unfortunately in his flailing around he lamped her in the head causing her to have swallow a bit too much of the lake and have an asthma attack. I reached her just in time to get her afloat and swim her back to shore.
The closest I’ve come to drowning was kayaking on the Tees, the first time I’d been river kayaking. Having gone into some rapids I lost my way, and my paddle, and was flipped over – I travelled a hundred metres (20 seconds) through the white water upside down, with my head (helmet on) smashing into the rocks below the surface. I fortunately managed to hand roll myself up, feeling slightly woozy, only to almost immediately get dragged by the current over Low Force waterfall. At this point I came out of the boat and was caught in a stopper under the falls, I’ve never known panic like it – thankfully I was hauled out by a uni mate who had been wetting himself laughing at my awful decent through the rapids!

Matt: Not directly swimming but definitely genuine thoughts of drowning. Some friends and I decided to rent one of those pedalos with the slide in Portugal and go out to sea on a fairly blustery day. Wasn’t until we were about 500m out that the reality hit that no matter how hard we pedalled or dragged it whilst swimming we were only getting further from shore. Cue all five of us swirling our shirts around our heads trying to get someone’s attention with no luck. A good 15 minutes later the dude who rented them to us jet skis over, looked at us sternly and said “you better pedal harder” before driving off. We were moments away from using the one phone we had on us to call the UK emergency services as none of us knew the Portuguese numbers but thankfully the man eventually came back to tow us back to shore in his speed boat. He did inform us that he has to make these rescues daily but this didn’t help our moods and we all spent the next 20 minutes in silence contemplating our lives in the nearest cafe.

Points: Tom = 0,5, Matt = 0.5. “ …swimming in Katherine Gorge …” is this a euphemism?!

3. Have you ever saved an animal’s life? Discuss.

Tom: Yes, a kestrel caught in a barbed wire fence and bailer twine in Suffolk as a boy of 13! Whilst pissing about I noticed the bird was stuck and in real distress, I went to it, covered it with my jumper and proceeded to unwind and cut free the twine that was around its legs and wings. Unfortunately the kestrel didn’t speak idiot and therefore failed to grasp my pleas for calm. Instead it saw me as a threat and promptly got stuck in to my forearm and wrist with its beak and talons. I did manage to free it and thankfully it didn’t seem too much the worse for its experience, taking off with a piercing shriek. Unfortunately it left me in ribbons and I had to go to the local quack to get the wound looked at, bandaged and a tetanus shot – it was still worth it and I’d do it again!

Matt: Almost weekly. The cats bring in mice to harass and torment frequently in our house, someone has to be the hero.

Points: Tom = 0 , Matt = 0. Real blokes know that only two kinds of animal count: those you can f**k, and those you can eat. All the rest are irrelevant: no points.

4. Have you ever been banned from anywhere?

Tom: The ‘Tuxedo Royale’ (“The Boat”) nightclub in Newcastle was my first experience of a pub ban! As was far too often the case in my first two years at University I was on a night out with the Agricultural Society. Having done very well, in my own mind, on a three legged pub crawl down the big market I was well in my cups by the time I arrived at the floating cesspit that was “The Boat”. I promptly drank more in order to build the courage to embarrass myself with the opposite sex only to decide that my time was better spent lobbing empty glasses onto the, empty, lower deck. Needless to say it was a very short time before my collar was felt by a rather impressive bouncer, who was unwilling to accept to reasoning that the smashing noise sounded nice and carried me bodily off the boat – asking me to avoid coming back until I grew up a bit (fair enough in hindsight). Unfortunately the story doesn’t end there as I hot footed it around to the entry line, shedding my jumper in the process, and got straight back in (oh for cctv), only to be caught by the same bouncer an hour later and have a rather rougher exit!

Matt: Southern fried chicken shop in Henley – went for lunch whilst at college and the dude had some serious attitude refusing to give us sauce for our chips so we just grabbed it from behind the counter to use when he wasn’t looking. He wasn’t pleased, told us to get out and we refused to ever go back. Does that count?

Points: Tom = 0.5, Matt = 0

5. When umpiring, describe a time when you perhaps incorrectly gave the batsman not out.

Tom: In previous seasons I could perhaps be accused of some fairly horrific decisions as umpire (giving the first team captain run out whilst I was facing the other direction evading the ball would seem obvious), though these are typically given out rather than the alternative. However I do recall, on more than one occasion, refusing to give out the then 2nd team captain against Sulhamstead and Ufton Nervet’s 2nd team – due to beef / agro with their bellend of a captain and his awful son!
I also refused to give a boy out last season, who was playing against my U9 team, despite his stumps being splattered – because there was too much chat in the field as the ball was bowled (very low brow from my boys)!

Matt: I can barely remember the teams we played the week before, let alone any umpiring decisions I make. The best answer I can give here is I like to think I give batsmen the benefit of the doubt on their first delivery.

Points: Tom = 1 , Matt = 1. Excellent answers; give bowlers nothing but a shake of the head

6. Which actor would you choose to play you in a film about your life?

Tom: Richard Michael “Rik” Mayall would be my “friend’s” choice – apparently I pass a certain resemblance to the great man! I would say that Tony Robinson, of Baldrick fame, may be a better bet.

Matt: My initial thought was someone classic like Brad Pitt. But then thought I’d be a bit more realistic about the height and with that in mind I’ll go for Michael J. Fox. Absolute legend in Back to the Future.
Points: Tom = 0 , Matt = 1 One’s dead, the other’s alive: you can work out the scoring scheme.

7. What was the last item of food you purchased in a coffee shop?

Tom: A BLT (light on L and T) and a large coffee from the Village Café!

Matt: Don’t really do coffee shops but did get a cup of tea and a raspberry and white chocolate muffin from one recently when my bus was delayed on the way to work.

Points: Tom = 1, Matt = 0.5 (and only because of the tea)
8. What was the last text message received from a member of the opposite sex?

Tom: I had this lovely one from the good lady wife… “You jammy shit, you’ve just avoided a total poo apocalypse from daughter two! Literally everywhere. You can wash the clothes.” True love is awesome!

Matt: “Hi Matt, I know it’s really really early and you obviously had a very good night 🙂 I just wanted to let you know that we are going to see Granny this morning for tea – should be back lunch time. Sam may be coming too. Love you xxx”

Points: Tom = 0.5, Matt = 0.5

9. What’s the first thing you do in the morning?

Tom: Grimace, as almost without fail Ella (aged four) has decided to wake me by ‘bed bombing’ me amidships! This is followed by saying good morning through gritted teeth and staggering downstairs to make a coffee.

Matt: Brush my teeth in the shower.

Points: Tom = 0, Matt = 0 “Brush my teeth in the shower”?! This is only acceptable if they are false teeth.

10. Provide the most “blokiest” photo from your phone

Tom: Dilly aged one month and Daddy is already proving less mature than her by capturing a middle finger salute to send to his sister and friends! Drink photos are something I managed when I had a social life prior to sowing my oats!

tom

Matt:
Matt

Points: Tom = 0 , Matt = 1 Now, that’s more like it … compare this photo of Matt to the one of Ishant from OTJ

Judge Wincott Summing up:

A head to head that was more Munchkin vs Hobbit than Alien vs Predator; neither will ever be mistaken for Ray Winstone. However, Matt’s photo wittily entitled “The ravages of war in a neoclassic landscape whilst wearing a table cloth” proved to be the difference and unlike Arsenal, he remains in the hunt for a trophy this season.
NB: A note for all bloke test combatants – brevity is a skill that should be practiced.

…AND THE WINNER IS: TOM = 4 POINTS VS. MATT = 4.5 POINTS

GCC Bloke Test 2017 : R1M3 : The Chairman vs. The Maestro

 

1. Have you EVER chosen a day/evening of sport over a day/evening with your girlfriend/wife? Discuss.

Chairman: Well yes I have – I’ve just reviewed my calendar for 2016 and identified 125 days last year when I was either playing or watching sport live, so many of those would have met that criteria. However, as you know I will never sacrifice Valentine’s Day – ¼ million people providing a plethora of abuse, plus appearances in The Sun and on TalkSport attest to that.

Maestro: Yes – most Saturdays in the Summer playing cricket – plus numerous cricket tours – one of which turned out well when I won enough money on a hand of bragg to afford to fly out to France for the 2nd week of (our) holiday!
Also entered an all day table football tournament when my other half was 8 months pregnant with our first child!

Points: Chairman = 0.5, Maestro = 1

2. Have you ever had a poo with someone else in the room?

Chairman: A few years ago I shared a poo with thousands of cricket fans at The Oval for a Sri Lanka ODI. Admittedly none of them entered the cubicle with me but it was my longest poo ever – after an alcohol fuelled first innings, I visited the loo 10 overs in to the Sri Lanka reply. Hours later I woke up, sat on the lav in a very quiet gents room and realised the game was finished and everyone else had gone home……Unfortunately, I was due to be at a wedding reception that evening that had already started…..in Henley….I can assure you a black cab from the Oval to Henley is not something I will be doing again.

Maestro: Yes – Goa mid 90s – went to the toilet in a restaurant (using the words ‘toilet’ and ‘restaurant’ loosely) where there was no door – people were happily walking by while I was sitting on a piece of wood with a hole in it! deposits dropped bout 10 feet to the ground below where there were some pigs enjoying the gifts from heaven!

Points: What sort of sicko comes up with these questions?! Bacon sandwiches will never taste the same again. Chairman = 0, Maestro = 1

3. Ever impersonated a policeman?

Chairman: Only a couple of weeks ago I tried to be a have a go hero on the train back from Reading. I was sat in an empty carriage with a couple in their 50’s on the seats opposite. He went to the loo and then shortly afterwards a bloke in his 20’s sat down, looked dirtily at the lady and tapped her leg and asked her if she was alright, then just stared at her. Sensing the danger I said to him “mate you should probably move on, her husband is just about to come out of the loo”….the guy promptly pissed himself and said “I don’t think he’ll mind, that’s my dad”!!

Maestro: No – real men don’t cause the police ag – although I was involved in a citizens arrest once – 4 of us held down a violent drunkard (who was trying to beat up his girlfriend) until the police arrived – does that count?

Points: Chairman = 1, Maestro = 1.
4. “It was a case of mistaken identity” – describe an injustice in your life when this phrase was most relevant.

Chairman: I was once accused very vocally of being a gippo and think it was a gross injustice…..the story goes that a small group of us were going to Newbury Racecourses on a stag do and naturally had a few tinnies on the train up. When we disembarked, one of the group (not me) had failed to keep up so there was an unopen can of Stella left over. Knowing we would not be able to take it in, I deposited it in the platform bin. Returning back to the train station after the races, we were becoming frustrated and thirsty by the long wait for the train…..I suddenly had a brain-wave – headed over to the opposite platform, looked in the bin, shouted over to my friends “look what I’ve found” and started drinking the final can of Stella. This resulted instantaneously in 400 drunk racegoers chanting ‘gippo’ at me from across the platform and my fellow stags disowning me.

Maestro: Auckland 1997 – two heavy set Maori gentlemen mistook me for a drug dealer – after what seemed like hours (was probably only a few minutes – I’d had a few beers) the ordeal was over – no harm down but I felt their aggressive questioning technique was unnecessary!

Points: Chairman = 0.5, Maestro = 0.5

5. If you had to have a(nother) tattoo – what would it be of and where would you have it?

Chairman: I’m not a fan of tattoos, so would never have them. If I was forced to at gunpoint, I would go for GCC across my forearm so that the logo was visible for every delivery I faced / catch I took. Talking of GCC a few months ago I saw a car with the registration GCC 1 – I think I will make it my life’s ambition to hunt that plate down.

Maestro: GCC tattoo – top of arm.

Points: Chairman = 1, Maestro = 1. The Chairman’s explanation of when his tattoo would be visible leads me to think we could play cricket with him for 20 years and never know he had ink.
6. What caused your most impressive, accidental scar?

Chairman: Cricket! We were at Westward Ho! on our 2013 Devon Tour and I was fielding in the deep in front of the pavilion in the last few overs of the match. A steepler came my way, I set myself nicely ready to take the catch and the ball slipped right through my hands in to my face. Cue a dash to A&E at Bideford to get the damage attended to, which luckily was done quick enough so that I could get back to The Bell to get on it again. The person who got the biggest shock was Alethea, who nearly fainted when I phoned her from A&E, just a month short of our wedding to tell her that I was having my chin glued back together…..

Maestro: I am mostly ‘accidental scar’ free – but I do have a scar just above my right eye following an altercation with a seeing as a child (swing not swinger!)

Points: Chairman = 0.5, Maestro = 0

7. What was the last item of food you purchased in a coffee shop?

Chairman: Fiery Ginger Beer from our very own Village Cafe

Maestro: Chocolate Brownie (not for me)

Points: Chairman = 1, Maestro = 0.5

8. What was the last text message received from a member of the opposite sex? (No explanation needed or requested here)

Chairman: Thank you!!! Had a good a day as you can have at work in tax! Haha I so cant’ wait to meet little moo next weekend she looks absolutely adorable and I have a few squeezes saved up for her xx

Maestro: Absolutely!! Tx

Points: Chairman = 0.5, Maestro = 0.5

9. What’s the first thing you do in the morning?

Chairman: Put TalkSport on my wireless headphones and go back to sleep – snoring soundly while my wife and daughter struggle to get back to sleep having been woken by my alarm.

Maestro: Urinate.

Points: Chairman = 0.5, Maestro = 1. A solid pair of answers here. But as all real men know, being a man means prostate challenges and frequent trips to the john.
10. Provide the most “blokiest” photo from your phone.

Chairman:

chairman.jpg

Maestro:

maestro

Points: Chairman = minus 1, Maestro = 1” more likely.
Judge Wincott Summing up:

On paper a battle of two of Goring’s big beasts. But anyone who has been called out on twitter with #findjonnystesticles and “Kill yourself immediately Jonathan. Save anymore unnecessary embarrassment for you or your football club” by random members of the public must understand they have no place in The Docker’s First pubic house. The Maestro reigns supreme.

 

…AND THE WINNER IS: CHAIRMAN = 4.5 POINTS VS. MAESTRO = 7.5 POINTS

 

GCC Bloke Test 2017: OC vs. Sophie

1. Have you ever shaved a part of your body other than your face?

OC: Yes – all men should groom (click here) to make sure you’re doing it right.
If you’re not grooming, then you’re probably not getting any action either. Not very bloke worthy.

Sophie: I have shaved all my hair off in support of a team mate who was going through Chemo, the whole football team turned up with skin heads it looked fierce!

Points: OC = 0 “Manscaping” !?!?! , Sophie = 1

 

2. What’s the biggest thing you’ve set on fire?

OC: Checkendon, with my 158 vs Welford Park. Even the Herringtons (father or son) couldn’t put the flames out.

Sophie: We set a big blue industrial paper waste bin on fire absolutely bricked it and ran off hid in the woods and watched the fire engine turn up and put out the flames!!

Points: OC = 0.5, Sophie = 0 (no points for standard northern monkey activities)

 

3. Have you ever had *** in a car? Front or back? (…of car…)

OC: Pass.

Sophie: Yes! In the back of a VW estate in a car park on the ferry slip

Points: OC = 0 (the court considers it v likely that points would have been scored here had the question also mentioned “on your own”, Sophie = 0.5

 

4. Are you banned from anywhere?

OC: I was banned from Kukui in Cheltenham after getting into a bit of a scrap with the bouncer after being thrown out. It ended with me on the floor and the bouncer with his elbow in my neck.
Also banned from Checkendon Sunday fixtures.

Sophie: Nope

Points: OC = 0, Sophie = 0
5. Ever been convinced you were about to die?

OC: Yes – when the bouncer had his elbow to my throat.
I also landed in Nairobi, Kenya with no idea or plan on how to get to Mombasa in 2011. Got a lift with local Englishman to a petrol station, where I sat being watched for about 3 hours convinced I would be shot or kidnapped, before the bus finally turned up. Not something they advocate in Lonely Planet.

Sophie: Yes! I got stranded as the tide was coming in when I was younger having a kick about with my cousin on Cleveleys beach, next thing we knew there was water everywhere and we had to leg it back to shore with the beach patrol shouting from their tannoys!

Points: OC = 0.5, Sophie = 1. Having enjoyed both Mombasa and Cleveley’s beach over the years, there is only one winner here; even the donkeys have skin heads on Cleveleys beach.

 

6. Have you ever sworn at an umpire?

OC: Yes, Slade will remember the new ball incident at Mapledurham last year when cheat umpire realised he’d given us previous years league ball that had a seam, rather than the Wintech ball which had been made by a 5 year old. Mapledurham umpire realised after Jack Winterbottom sent down a series of 6 unplayable deliveries. We were forced to take a new “new” ball, didn’t matter Slade got our first victim with a great snatch from Benning at slip. Won’t tell you my choice of words though.

Sophie: No but have argued a caught behind never sworn though

Points: OC = 0, Sophie = 0. A difficult one to judge this; as we know, all umpires are Tuesdays – particularly our own – but swearing at them directly is not acceptable in the world of real men. I also have some inside information here, as I recall some very choice words being passed on to the Greys Green umpire last year by Ms Sophie !

 

7. What was the last item of food you purchased in a coffee shop?

OC: Bacon sandwich (bloomer) with large black coffee this morning – work coffee outlet has a triple loyalty points deal on the combination at the moment.

Sophie: All day breakfast panini – toasted!

Points: OC = 1 , Sophie = 0. “Panini”? I have just spat out my hotpot !

 

8. What was the last text message received from a member of the opposite sex? (No explanation needed or requested here)

OC: “Is the internet fixed yet? Xx”

Sophie: “Maybe it’s the sugar out of the wine that turns to carb so I am getting loads of carb haha love you xxxxx”

Points: OC = 0.5 , Sophie = 0.5

 

9. What’s the first thing you do in the morning?

OC: I get up at 6, go and make a bowl of porridge and watch sky news, usually in the nude.

Sophie: Fart

Points: OC = 0.5 , Sophie = 1 (ditto and still LOLing)

 

10. Provide the most “blokiest” photo from your phone.

OC: Watching football with your dad. Definition of being Blokes.

oc

Sophie:

sophie

Points: OC = 1 , Sophie = 0.5

 

Judge Wincott Summing up:

A close run thing between the human man-bun and the sack, crack and back waxer. References to paninis and “manscaping” suggest that both contestants are more comfortable with Bake Off than Face/Off.

…AND THE WINNER IS: OC = 4.0 POINTS VS. SOPHIE = 4.5 POINTS!!!

GCC Bloke Test 2017 – R1M2 – OTJ vs. RTJ

1. Have you ever barfed on a girl’s shoes?

OTJ: No though the Walkabout night may provide different answers.

RTJ: I’ve a feeling I’ll have the same answer as OTJ here – yes my mother’s. On countless occasions. Managed to vom on a friend’s bare feet as well, after a heavy night of drinking. She didn’t appreciate it. At all.
Points: OTJ = 0 , RTJ = 1. Women hey: no sense of humour !

2. Have you ever had to leave the crease for a “comfort break”?

OTJ: Nah, unless a number 3 counts as I was comfy after?

RTJ: Never a comfort break but not dissimilar – on my first Devon tour I had my box but nothing to hold it in place. I went out to bat with it tucked in my pants, but it was at least 3 sizes too big for me and kept slipping around. After facing 5 balls or so I decided it was getting in my way, so shouted to our skipper on the boundary (JR) to come over before taking it out and frisbee-ing it towards him. Proceeded to bat boxless, and set my then top score. Must have been the fear that a man only experiences when he is tasked with protecting the spuds.

Points: OTJ = 0.5, RTJ = 0.5

3. Have you ever been shot at?

OTJ: does being swilled by tequila shots count as being shot at?

RTJ: Shot at? Never. I imagine you’re looking for a “dating a girl whose dad owned a farm” story. Unfortunately, the closest I’ve ever been to this is dating a girl who looked like she belonged on a farm (haven’t we all?).

Points: OTJ = 0, RTJ = 0

4. What’s the largest or most complicated DIY project you have undertaken alone?

OTJ: Built a small electric toy car in year 9.

RTJ: I built a treehouse in our garden once. Nailed a bunch of boards to a branch and then balanced a construction pallet on top of them. Also built a bridge with Dad. I maintain that I was the muscle and he just delegated, so I’m claiming it as “alone”.

Points: OTJ = 0, RTJ = 1

5. Have you ever ridden an animal other than a horse?

OTJ: Unfortunately not.

RTJ: The first time I got properly ratarsed outside of my own home was in Argentina. Some girl had a house party that I’d been invited to, and she had a massive garden with a mini forest at the bottom. Three vodka and cokes later and I thought it would be hilarious to ride one of her pet deer. Needless to say, I fell off pretty quickly. And then I was sick.

Points: OTJ = 0, RTJ = 1

6. Have you ever been in trouble with the police in another country?

OTJ: I can’t say I have.

RTJ: Not the police because I’m a good little boy. But when I went interrailing, we got stopped by an Italian train guard and accused (in Italian) of not correctly stamping our ticket to show we had used up a day of travel. Incredibly, all we had to do was hand over €50 (with no receipt or anything of the sort) and not ask anymore questions in order to continue our journey unmolested.

Points: OTJ = 1, RTJ = 1. Both “correct”: real men don’t cause the police ag. There are plenty of peasants about to do that (see Cleeve).

7. Describe a time you were unfairly ‘asked to leave’ a bar or club

OTJ: Was kicked out a club for buying a mate a drink…. bought the drink and the girl he was with started to drink it. She then gave my mate the drink and went and it a bouncer who came and started pushing me saying ‘why you annoying this bird?’ I told him I bought a mate a drink she was just with him. So he put me arms behind my back and kicked me out. Probably the only time I’ll get kicked out for not being a c***….

RTJ: Wahoo in Oxford. Apparently letting off disgusting farts in the middle of the dance floor followed by someone yelling “good lord it smells like someone died in here, who did that?!” is not appropriate behaviour. I still maintain that I was only guilty of the latter, not the former.

Points: OTJ= 1, RTJ = 0.5

8. What was the last item of food you purchased in a coffee shop?

OTJ: Iced Coffee

RTJ: A gluten free chocolate brownie from Costa. Tastes the same as a gluten-full brownie, but has significantly less effect on my bowels.

Points: OTJ = 0 , RTJ=0. No wonder the country is going to the dogs

9. What was the last text message received from a member of the opposite sex?

OTJ: ‘Why are you still in bed?’

RTJ: “Not yet, just waiting for it xx”

Points: OTJ = 0.5 , RT J=0.5

10. Provide the most “blokiest” photo from your phone

OTJ:
owyn

RTJ:

rhys.jpg
Points: OTJ = 0,RTJ = 1

 
Judge Wincott Summing up:

It is unclear how the request to “Provide the most “blokiest” photo from your phone” could be misunderstood but clearly it has been – a picture of a man with long hair, drinking bottled lager, and wearing a necklace is in no way blokey; never has been, never will be. This was a tale of boy vs man.

…AND THE WINNER IS: OTJ 3 POINTS VS. RTJ 6.5 POINTS!!!

GCC Bloke Test 2017 – Coming Soon…

%d bloggers like this: